"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Key Waste

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip,Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:29 am

The temperature outside the motel was only in the low 90s, but the sun atop the sky was brilliant and strong as the nation’s leadership isn’t. But who cares? I’m in Key West! I pop a beer. Guido pops a dozen freckles.

This is Rolling Rock #3, by the way, leaving 3 more in the cooler; the last of my stash, genuine made-in-Latrobe Rocks I’ve been hording for this trip. Guido and I had the first two as we crossed 7 Mile Bridge, my favorite beer ever. Mine was gone before the bridge crossing was complete, but she kept hers away from where I could grab it. Bitch.

P1010131.JPGI love Key West. I love a place where the big decision each morning is, What shirt should I carry around with me today? And this time of year the sweat pours out faster than the beer pours in. We set off on foot, of course: once we arrive the car stays parked until it’s time to leave.

We pass by the cat house a block north of the Chicken Store. One of the girls on the porch gives Guido a nod and a smile. “I like your top,” she says. “Cute.” Guido flashes a smile back and thanks her. Great, I say. The whore admires your outfit. “If you want what’s in it,” she warns me, “Behave.” Yeah.

I don’t fish, collect antiques, appreciate art, enjoy gourmet food, like to shop, or anything else KW has to offer other than the delicious weather, party atmosphere, and sense of humor. The place is a theme park where Key West is the theme. Everything about it is a lie or a parody. Southernmost Point isn’t the nation’s southernmost point (in fact it’s been moved several times). Nothing inside Hemingway House today was there when he was. Pepe’s isn’t 100 years old as they’ve been claiming for decades, although it will be in 2009. But who cares? The bars are fun, the music is lively, I bake my brains, and Guido dances all night.

Bicycling (pedaling our asses) around the island Saturday we bump up against the cemetery and decide to visit. But circling the place we find every gate mysteriously closed. Second time around I spot a workman inside, digging. “Say, my friend,” I call over, “How do you get in there?” He stops, leans on his shovel, and looks at me for a long moment. Finally: “You gotta die,” he explains.

Right. People Who Died, Died.

On the way home, heading north over the 7 Mile Bridge, we polish off the last two vintage Rolling Rocks we will ever drink. Part of my childhood, died, just died, as Ray Davies sang. Next year when we’re back, I’ll toss that part in the cemetery. However, I kept the bottle.

P.S. The menu board is from Southernmost Deli — they used up the two letter “s’s” on “Roast Ass.” Or would you prefer the “hame?” Or perhaps the “corn bef?” It’s good today, only .599 I love Key West.

17 Responses to “Key Waste”

  1. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    “I don’t fish, collect antiques, appreciate art, enjoy gourmet food, like to shop, or anything else KW has to offer other than the delicious weather, party atmosphere, and sense of humor.”

    Then you would fit in great in Dania Bitch, the most useless Shity along Useless 1. Not to mention also in Broward County! Bulldoze the whole damn thing and make it the airport!

  2. Wire Palladin Says:

    The place is a theme park where Key West is the theme. Everything about it is a lie or a parody.

    Those “Cuban cigars” they sell out of kiosks are about as Cuban as Hans Christian Andersen. “Key West Lager” is brewed in Melbourne. The ghost tour is a half-assed marketing trick ripped off from New Orleans. Street performers on Mallory Square are licensed and bonded, and pay for their space, not spontaneous drifters. About the only genuine items on the streets are the drunks. But I like it, too.

  3. Lois Terms Says:

    Once, just once, I went to KW in the summer. Inside of 2 hours, just walking around, my entire neck and shoulders turned beet red and I totally overheated. Never again that time of year.

  4. Sen. Larry Craig, R-IO Says:

    Are the bathrooms crowded in the Key West airport?

  5. O.W. Says:

    Key West is a toilet. Y’all want to do your partying on a street where you never know who you’re standing next to is a male or female when it grabs your ass, have a great time.

  6. Fran G'Panni Says:

    aaaaaawww, O.W. Where’s your sense of adventure?

    I’m a Conch a dozen years now and I have a great day every day, despite the tourists, crowds, tackiness, high prices, and occasional deadly hurricane. You just got to love to give it up and party, is all. And no, you never know who you’re holding hands with, you just know that it’s all real good.

  7. guido Says:

    You’re right. We had a GREAT! time in Key West. However I do think you (& MadameI) exagerate my freckling. But I am sooo happy you like them sooo much none the less!

    The cemetary’s been drinking….not me.

    Oh & remember: $5 – Everything Must Go! – $5

  8. Iggy Says:

    Yo Guido! You were in KW & you didn’t stop by to say hello? What’s wrong? Did I do something to offend you? Or was it something Pauly or YB(ellow)(ird)said? No matter. I am absolutely devastated!! Please tell me you’ll be back sooner than later & that you’ll plan some time for me & the boids. We won’t even care if that Tequila swillin, overgrown adolescent you cruise the sts with tags along. In fact it’s always a hoot to see how dark he can get each yr.

  9. Decorum Says:

    I got the hell out of Key West years ago, and I don’t plan to return any time soon.

  10. Mr Schwinnckle Says:

    Next Disney Cruise we take will be the longer one with a stop in Key West. Loved it there when the wife kidnapped me and took me there for my birthday, um years ago, dont remember when. 4-5 years ago? Shit I am getting old!

  11. glennk Says:

    Ah, Key West one of the American Dreams four corners. In Key West’s case the one where you keep one eye on your next $5 Rum & Coke and the other on the weather channel. Roast Ass indeed!! LOL!!

  12. Rufus Leeking, M.D. Says:

    “Corned Bef” is not a misprint. “Bef” is a healthy meat substitute made primarily of soy and yogurt enzyme, flavored and textured to imititate the taste and texture of beef. I suspect the same is true of Hame, as there are also products known as “Becon” (bacon), “Torkey” (turkey), and “Prok” (pork). These are all healthy alternatives to staples in the American diet.

    You can trust me, I’m a doctor.

  13. Perky Dan Says:

    Dr Leeking: Uh-huh. And how about the Roast Ass? Great God. What a load of shet.

  14. steve Says:

    We stopped by, Iggy, but you were asleep, which is what iguanas do 20 hours a day. A true Conch lifestyle. Besides, your cousins moved in around the corner from me, and I can take pictures of them without paying $10.

  15. latinbombshell Says:

    Peek-a-boo! I-miss-you!

    Glad you guys had a good time. Great post, too. I could’ve read on and on …

  16. Steve Says:

    Miss Manola, too, sorely. Blogs ain’t the same without ya, but it’s good to see you’re posting now and then.

    KW was great and if you could have read on and on, believe me, we could have stayed on and on, too. What stops us is seeing the ones who headed down, loved it, stayed on, and now live in the streets, hollow eyed, three quarters dead, and 100% burnt out. Yeah, I know — what’s the down side? After all, it’s Key west!

  17. Leslie Says:

    Your post was the perfect segue into my first weekend in Key West where I had my first piece of chocolate covered key lime pie on a stick, and my first awakening by rooster from the three pecking around outside of my window. It was all weirdly and cheesily charming. Not to mention the vast number of bad cover band musicians in bar after bar after bar…

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