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A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Skools = Skills

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 11:03 am

Big news in the world of education: FCAT scores are up!

According to the Miami Hurled, better than 7 of 10 third-graders in Miami-Dade scored at the 3 highest levels on the reading test. Only 60 percent reached that mark last year, and just 51% in 2002. In Broward, 75% of third-graders were proficient on this year’s FC AT, up from 67 % last year.

Administrators and educators are ecstatic. “I think this proves that we were right all along,” one Broward official stated. “By removing all the extraneous crap from the curriculum like art, music, and social science, we kept the kids focused on passing the test. And passing the test is what it’s all about.”

In Miami-Dade, where some of the lowest performing schools had back-to-back-to-back classes in nothing but reading 5 times a week, teachers were giddy with delight. “By wringing out all other subjects to teach, our prep time and after-school work was reduced substantially,” noted one. “Less Work For Teacher! That’s my motto! And since the little bastards scored so high, I might even get a performance pay raise!”

Critics who lament the departure of hard sciences, the arts, and other subjects from daily curriculum were brushed aside. “These idealists don’t get it,” stated one Miami principal. “It’s not about a well-rounded education. It’s not about preparing kids for a new, challenging future where competition from emerging brilliant new societies in China, India, and Japan will be more intense. And it sure as hell ain’t about jobs — not theirs, anyway. It’s about Passing This Test. That’s all that matters.”

In a related story, a third of American youth, presented with a map of the country, couldn’t locate Louisiana, and nearly half were couldn’t find Mississippi. This, even after last year’s daily headlines about Hurricane Katrina which featured maps and diagrams for weeks on end.

“Most of these kids couldn’t find their own assholes without a Sherpa. Or Mapquest,” said one disgusted educator. “And it’s not like we’re teaching history, geography, or political science any more. Not when we have to drill FCAT studies every hour of the school day.”

Sidenote: while on the national level, 50% couldn’t find Mississippi, in Mississippi itself the figure was 65%. And 74% couldn’t spell it. Guess what else isn’t being taught any more?

4 Responses to “Skools = Skills”

  1. Mister E Says:

    Kids are stupid and they small like ass. I don’t care if they can’t read or write. Let ’em pick fruit and sweep floors. Today’s immigrants will zip right past ’em, and we’ll all be better off.

  2. Living Will Says:

    The teachers I know would rather teach than train kids to pass tests. They’re not any happier about FCAT than you are. That duly noted, it’s the kids who are the real big losers here. Nice thought.

  3. Art Carnage Says:

    I’m glad they stopped wasting time and money teaching the arts in public schools. Then again, I hate art.

  4. Miami Transit Man Says:

    FCAT is Useless…

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