"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Trip The Light Fantastic

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain,News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:12 am

For $100, Jason Niccum of Longmont (CO) purchased a device that let him change traffic lights from red to green on his daily commute, saving him hundreds of hours, but illegally tying up traffic for thousands of other drivers. Arrested and fined $50, he remarked, “I guess in the two years I had it, that thing paid for itself.”

The device, called an Opticon, was confiscated by police who called its possession illegal. — The Longmont Daily Times-Call

Sorry, but it just wouldn’t work in Miami. Red and green lights are as significant to local drivers as they are to color-blind dogs. If you had a buck for every time you sat there, fuming with impatience, as some crazed bastard zooms through a red light, only to be followed by two or three more autos roaring in his wake, you could set up the bar with rounds of Don Julio Anejo from Happy Hour ’til closing time.

In Boston they drive faster and more aggressively, and in New York, they drive just fucking rude. Jersey drivers don’t seem to even look at the road in front of them. But all these northeastern state navigators have better command of their cars, more sense of the road, and fewer traffic accidents than here in the nation’s dicktip, where traffic lights, like speed limits and turn signals, are just irrelevant.

My pal Miami Harold once said it all, and said it best:

The worst drivers on the roads here in south Florida
aren’t necessarily old, young, redneck, or stupid.
They’re dead.
They keel over someplace up north,
where they haven’t driven a car for years
(believe it or not, northern cities actually have
functioning public transportation systems).
Ten years later, when they resurface in Florida to haunt a condo,
they buy their first car since the Eisenhower era
and hit the roads at full crawl.
You’ve seen ‘em: slack-jawed creatures,
eyes wide with fear and indecision,
death grip on the wheel like cholesterol on an artery.
They sit frozen at green lights
and paralyzed in left lanes;
oblivious to waved fists, car horns, and pointed fingers.
They don’t give a shit about other drivers
because the dead care nothing for the living.
South Florida is the land of the dead,
and our roads are the highways to hell

So hats off to Jason Niccum of polite, gentle Colorado. Were he here in Miami his transgressions would go eternally unnoticed, save by the string of grateful drivers glommed to his ass-most bumper, thumbing their noses at drivers on the sidelines.

6 Responses to “Trip The Light Fantastic”

  1. Hugh Bris Says:

    Another reason it wouldn’t work is that most of us are stuck in lines with a gazillion cars controlled by a gridlocked intersection’s light half a mile ahead toward the horizon somewhere. As you note, traffic lights here are irrelevant as a valid license.

  2. Gabriel J. Lopez-Bernal Says:

    Miami Drivers follow International Driving Law: That is, everyone drives like they did in the country that they came from…

  3. alesh Says:

    geez… you should see china.

    anyway, I’ve heard of this device – ambulances and whatnot have it. I’m not sure it’s compatible with the signals in florida, tho.

  4. mkh Says:

    I bow once again to Harold’s genius. That was beautiful, man.

  5. Hose B Says:

    Where I come from, first one in the intersection gets the right of way. That practice in this community inspires chaos among the Latins, loathing among the Anglos, and gunshots from the Blacks. And frankly, those reactions are emtirely justified.

  6. Manola BBB Says:

    Dude, there’s a reason why you call the protruding peninsula a dicktip.

    But anyway, yeah, first one in the intersection at right of way? Man, that’s like Clint Eastwood meets Robert DeNiro … ‘you talkin’ to me?’ while chewing a blade of grass and wearing a poncho.

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