Breath Mints
New Mexico hopes to keep drunks off the road by lecturing them at the last place they usually stop before getting behind the wheel: the urinal. The state paid $21 each for about 500 talking urinal-deodorizer cakes and has put them in men’s rooms in bars and restaurants across the state.
When a man steps up, the motion-sensitive plastic device says, in a woman’s voice that is flirty, then stern: “Hey, big guy. Having a few drinks? Think you had one too many? Then it’s time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home.”
The recorded message ends: “Remember, your future is in your hand.” — Associated Press
Oh, so that’s what’s in my hand.
This is a bad idea. I can see tipsy men spraying the walls, the floors, and each other to get the hell out of there when that toilet starts talking. Running like hell, not pausing to stuff their still-dripping equipment back inside.
And I bet some really crocked sports would look around, ready to offer the mysterious flirt a drink. And getting REALLY pissed off when he figures out who’s doing the talking.
Most men prefer to conduct their business quietly. You arrive at a certain age, at a certain time of night, you need to concentrate. You don’t want to splash the boots, soak a pant leg, or spray-paint the poor bastard standing next to you. There’s gonna be some shattered porcelain in the pissoirs of New Mexico.
The job of changing the batteries of these insidious devices has “illegal immigrant” written all over it. Nevertheless, some establishments have reported them stolen.
“I’m mystified why someone would stick their hand into one of our urinals,” one owner commented. “But I’m sure we’ll see them on eBay!”
Make that Pee Bay. And make them pistachio.
February 16th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Where’s the button for “For English press 1. For Spanish Press 2″
Press 2: Yo, el drunkito. Uno too amente. Esta el loco? Inebriato? El taxito esta uno phona call awayamente. El futuro and el dickito bothamente in esta handita. Por el bueno time, call Carlotta and she’ll el putamente el dicko en her la handita. La Visa accepted”
February 16th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Evidently MassPube speaks “pidgin Spanish.” Probably shouts it at latins too dumb to know English to help them understand it. But he makes an interesting point: if it becomes the law of the land to speak English everywhere or not get service, are we going to be forced to pis in English, too? If we don’t pis and shit in English, will the toilet spray back our deposit? Bad news for the bean-eaters of the nation, and the person who comes in behind them.
February 16th, 2007 at 9:37 am
What about ladies’ toilets? Don’t ladies get pissed drunk too? I call pisscrimination!
February 16th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
When I think of the drunken men I’ve had to drive home, (most with terminal Whiskey Dick), I’d be happier if they stayed in the john and talked to the toilet mints all night.
February 16th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Terminal Whiskey Dick is such an unfortunate condition. But it’s completely preventable.
February 16th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Look at the thinking behind this business. A guy spends the night pouring alcohol into his face, not thinking about the consequences, not listening to the bartender, his wife, his girlfriend, nobody. But somehow, when he staggers into the pisser with his dick in his hand, a mechanical device in the toilet is what makes the difference? That’s what he pays attention to? A $21 toy made to tinkles on?
Men are such pigs.
February 16th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Hey Peg, I think maybe I was married to you once. Are you the one with the horns and tail who cleaned out the house when I was away on a business trip, then filed assault papers because I wanted sex once every other leap year? I see you still hate men — do you still eat your young, too?
February 16th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
I don’t know you, Hal, but it sounds as though you got off easy — you still have your balls? If I were your ex you wouldn’t.
Men are such pigs.
February 16th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Fuckin bullshit. I’ll be doin my drinkin in Arizona now on. Don’t need no talkin toilets while Im drainin the dragon. I want to get nagged I’ll get married again.
February 16th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Well, this thread plumbs the bottom, doesn’t it? Perfect for a Friday afternoon.
February 17th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Men never listen to direction…and to think a bunch of mexicans will listen to a urinal whisper sweet nothings in their phallic urethras will do the trick? Bah Bullshit! We’ve hit rock bottom Klotzman! Clink!! Have another on me ..
February 17th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
We’ve been using these in Utah and we’ve seen dramatic results!
February 18th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Dramatic results, MADD? Like what? I call bullshit! Some half-crocked pastor claims he sees the face of Jesus on a talking toilet bowl? Bullshit! BULLSHIT!!
February 18th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That was a piss poor choice of words to end with.
Seen on the men’s bathroom walls:
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do.- Sinatra.
“God is dead.” - Nietzsche
“Nietzsche is dead.” - God
The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
No wonder you always go home alone
(Sign over mirror in Men’s rest room)
And MY personal favorite, found over the urinal in the men’s room of the ROTC building on the campus of the University of Kentucky…
Pee all that you can pee.
Don’t ask.