"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Friday, December 29, 2006

Oh Dem Golden Slippers

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 12:53 am

The impetus for the following started right here, a simple fender bender that got so out of control I read it open-mouthed for the entire afternoon it unfolded.

This whole thread got so nasty and personal I couldn’t even find a wedge to squeeze in and say something disarmingly silly to get everybody to stop. (Which, as might be evident by now, is my preferred M.O.)

So. It’s my last post of 2006. May I step out of character and add this?

I’ve lived in much better places than south Florida, and worked in many more, but I moved here 21 years ago and I’ve never been happier.

While this will never be home, this is where I’m staying. I like it, in part because of all its faults. In fact, I love it.

The new friends Guido and I made moved back home after a few years. They hated it. We’re still in touch. It wasn’t for them. But it’s for us.

I never met a Cuban until I moved here, and my first impression wasn’t a good one. Foaming fascists whose daily maniacal conduct led me to believe that maybe the bearded asshole dictator had a point. Then I befriended a few, talked with many, opened my eyeballs, and figured it out. Nothing like real life, experience, yes? There’s no such thing as “a Cuban” or anybody else, because we’re all different, with his own special scent. That’s true of every-fucking-body you’ll ever meet.

While the shit goes on here isn’t unique, it has its own style. It’s foreign and strange. But damn your yellow eyes, that’s true of Boston and Washington, D.C. And Chicago, Minneapolis, Cleveland, and San Diego, too. Gotta think that’s what it’s like from London to Calcutta; Buenos Aires to Beijing.

Mummers_2005_Trio_Clown.jpgBelieve me, most of the people I’ve met here in Miami would find my home town of Philthydelphia so weird, hostile, ornery, and strange, they’d say far worse things about it than I ever said about the Banana Republic of South Florida (BRSF) I happily inhabit today. Shit– you guys ever eat scrapple for breakfast? You even know what it is? Ever drink Jack Daniels and stand on Broad Street when it’s 14 degrees to watch the corny Mummers Parade on New Year’s Day? You even grasp why we’re so negative and nasty, particularly when it comes to sports and politics? Well, why would you unless you ended up there, and learned to love it, too.

As I did here.

Thing is, the longer you live, the more similarities you see, and learn to appreciate. That’s what us people are. As the late Ron Magram used to quote his own mother, “the only difference between people is the seasonings they put on the chicken skin.” Unless you’re a vegan, I guess.

Lighten up, neighbors. Have a good time. Let’s all laugh at ourselves first, and invite others to join us. Happy New Year! Over and Out.

51 Responses to “Oh Dem Golden Slippers”

  1. The MassPube Says:

    Well, you’re certainly in a mellow, nostalgic mood this morning. Got some last night, well didya, punk?.

    Florida, well, blows. I’m glad you’re used to it. I lived there for two years and me and The MassPubette moved back up north to the only place even more corrupt, Massachusetts. Perhaps I should have given it more time, like your legislators…10-20, time off for good behavior.

    I was at a chinese restaurant when I was down there and the old fart at the next table took his full set of dentures out as he masticated his food, the pseudo, dentra laying disgustingly on the table as he ate. Up here, they would never do that with their teeth. They do it with colostomy bags.And if you laugh, they kill you.

    The only thing I wish they’d do better is remove all trees, just in case of citrus canker. And enjoy the water. Flush twice…it’s a long way to Lake Okeechobee.

  2. Hose B Says:

    The Cubish people take some getting used to, alright, especially if you’re latin and NOT Cuban. As for scrapple, give me a media noche instead.

  3. Tanya Hyde Says:

    Happy New Year, Steve, but who are you kidding? You’re here because it’s 12 months of strong sunshine and white beaches, same as the rest of us Tanorexics. Wasn’t for that you’d be up north chewing your cheesesteaks and scarfing your scrapple (whatever that is).

  4. Hugh Bris Says:

    Yeah yeah. Twnty years ago you made a wrong turn, got lost, and couldn’t figure out how to go home. Happens all the time.

  5. Warren Rabbit Says:

    That is one strange photo: is that the city commission? And what the hell is that 2-tone penis-shaped building in the background? Where’s Rocky?

  6. Swinadelphia Says:

    I once visited a former gentleman friend in his native town of Philly. Funny, he was doughy and made of meat scraps too, but he sure did like his sturdy Cubanita! 😉

  7. Living Will Says:

    People in south Florida like to complain. I don’t know why, especially because so many picked up and moved here voluntarilly. Maybe it’s because they want everybody else to think they’re better than they are because of where they’re from? Like, “We gave up so much because we want the warm weather but where we’re from it’s much better than here”? Crock of crap if it is.

  8. Gerald Ford Says:

    Well, I’ll be moving down there in a couple of days, right after the funeral! It’ll be nice to be among so many other dead people.

  9. Kent Standit Says:

    Nice post, puffy. What’d you do with Klotz?

  10. GlennK Says:

    Great pix Cuz!!

  11. James Brown Says:

    Waaaaaaaaah! I feel dead! Pappa’s got a brand new box!

  12. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Before moving to Miami you assumed that Cuban exiles were “[f]oaming fascists whose daily maniacal conduct led me to believe that maybe the bearded asshole dictator had a point.”

    And have you ever stopped to consider that it was the mainstream media which fostered this belief in you and millions of Americans?

    On the one side we have Fidel Castro and 48 years of tyranny and millions of victims.

    On the other side we have his victims.

    And whom does the media brand as intolerant, intransigent, violent and fascist?

    Think about it.

  13. Steve Says:

    No, sir, Manny. Please re-read what I wrote: “I never met a Cuban until I moved here, and my first impression wasn’t a good one.”

    I had no impression or experience at all of Cubans UNTIL I moved here to south Florida in the mid-80s and observed some rather appalling conduct involving bombs under journalists’ automobiles and inside museums, and a damn-near mob lynching of a pair of folks who carried signs at a rally sympathetic to Castro.

    And I heard (and still hear) Cubans voicing strong anti-freedom sentiments, arguing, for example, that anything that smacks of communism can’t be taught in schools, and that performers or works of art from Cuba shouldn’t be presented.

    (I see and hear the same crap from people who are not Cuban, too. As you well know, stupidity, bias, and ignorance are not restricted by ethnicity.)

    In a short time — again, with direct experience, I came to see the bigger picture, got a broader perspective, and achieved a deeper understanding. That’s not to say that I agree with or care for the activities that gave rise to my first impression, only to point out that the first impression gave a very incomplete picture (as first impressions often do).

    In sum, the media had quite little to do with it. Actual first-hand experience did. YOU think about THAT.

    Happy New Year…..a pleasure to have made your acquaintance, and I hope you’ll visit often.

  14. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    Your first impression was the impression that you brought with you when you moved to Miami in the wake of the Mariel exodus. You may never have met a Cuban before but you must certainly have heard of us, and nothing that you could have heard in the mainstream media would have been positive, although virtually everything about us is indeed positive, even inspiring.

    At 90, I can’t really make commitments about the future; but so long as I can sit up at the computer, I’ll continue to comb the Miami blogosphere and shall be no stranger to your blog. Just mention Cuba or Cubans and I’ll miraculously pop up.

    Humor is much needed on these blogs; everybody takes himself too seriously to the point of refusing to blog under their real names as if they feared that something they might say could come back to haunt them later. If one is afraid to uphold his opinions, why have opinions at all? That’s why admire those as yourself who do own up to their beliefs.

  15. Steve Says:

    Manny, the only thing I knew about Cuba and Cubans before I moved to Florida is that their cigars were reputed to be the best in the world, and that they were illegal to sell in this country because of the embargo imposed by John F. Kennedy. I did not know about the Mariel exodus. I didn’t even know about the Bay of Pigs. I can’t recall reading anything in the news about Cubans in Miami. When I tell you my first impressions were made right here, the way I described them just above, I’m telling you the whole truth. No MSM. No nothing. Nada.

    For what it’s worth, I hadn’t known many Mexicans, either. Where I come from, the Spanish-speaking population was 99% Puerto Rican.

    Only thing I knew a little about was the missile crisis, and now and then I’d read something in the papers about what Castro was up to — and it never sounded good to me, just the typical, brutish behavior of a dictator grinding his heel down on his own citizens’ necks. This is why I don’t particularly understand why folks like yourself go on about his gentle treatment at the hands of MSM. That’s not the way I remember him portrayed at all.

    But back to Cubans in Miami…..I repeat, I brought with me absolutely zero preconceived notions, none negative, none positive. And while as I stated, my first impressions were bad, I tell any and all who ask me today that the Cubans who populate Miami and south Florida continue to do what every other arriving nation has done when they get here: prospered, shared, and enriched the larger population with their hard work, humor, language, love, and culture. (Oh, and cigars.) And I’m happy to be part of that.

    Even when they’re being so goddam ornery and stubborn!

    Happy New Year again.

  16. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    During the Missile Crisis, Castro was encouraging Nikita Khruschev to launch a nuclear attack on the U.S. from Cuba. Khruschev was sufficiently alarmed as to fear that Castro might try to wrest the missiles from Soviet control. That was the principal reason that Khrushchev decided to dismantle the missiles and bring them home.

    Castro understood, of course, that launching a nuclear attack on the U.S. meant total annihilation for Cuba, but that didn’t mean anything to him. He had his own bunker (still does) and no scrupples about letting the Cuban people fry much less the Americans.

  17. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    Is that true, Manuel. Well, fuck the Cuban people. What’s really bad is it would have been the end of the cigars.

  18. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Not only the end of the cigars, Lulu, but the end of Lulu.

  19. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    No, Tellechea, not the end of Lulu at all. Lulu is a free soul. It is the Cubans who suffer under an oppressive dictatorship, in part because of an older generation that abandoned their families, only to run to America from which place they have done little for half a century but whine and complain. All through Europe and South America we have seen revolutions, dictators dumped, people freeing themselves. Why not the Cubans? It makes me very sad, and I tire of hearing old ones like Tellechea blaming everybody on earth but yourself.

  20. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    You have it wrong; no surprise there. It was not my generation that was gelded by Castro. It was the generation of 1953 which foisted Castro on our country and their no less pusillaneous progeny which has maintained him in power for 48 years. This generation, Cuba’s worst generation, also abandoned our history, our traditions and our place in civilization.

  21. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    As I say, Tellechea, blame for everybody else. No surprise there, either.

  22. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Lulu, I’m beginning to think that you bear some responsibility for Cuba’s destruction yourself. Are you Lulu, the French whore, who serve as a courier between the CIA and Castro when the Agency funnelled millions to the rebels? Were you the Lulu who tried unsuccessfully to take Raul’s virginity? The Lulu who was supposed to poison Fidel but cracked at the last moment? Fancy meeting you after all these years!

  23. Tere Says:

    “I’ve lived in much better places than south Florida, and worked in many more, but I moved here 21 years ago”

    Dude, how old are you??? Now I’m thinking you’re like, 68 or something…

  24. Steve Says:

    Nah. I just started working the coal mines at an early age. That’s the way it had to be back in the 19th century. (*cough*)

  25. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    Tellechea: Are you insane? Or merely delusional? Or plain paranoid? If so, this explains much.

  26. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    You are not the first professional to deny her origins.

  27. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    I know you all right, Tellechea: You are an ignoramus, but not without guile. You move the conversation away from your own failures, as I pointed out, to some hysterical fiction farted from the depths of your own senility. You disgrace those Cubans who fight for freedom while you criticize from the safety of the sidelines, blaming everybody but yourself, and encourage the very detractors here in Miami over whom you wring your aged hands.

    No, we’ve never met. But I know pathetic, and I know you.

  28. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    I have had occasion to verify this many times: the least word of praise from me would cause you to fall in rapture at my feet. But you shall not have it. Better to have you wallow in your insecurity and ravenous hunger for approval than sate it at the risk of my immortal soul!

    The only “detractor” that I know of in Miami is you. As you drown in the debris of a mercenary existence, at the service of the dark interests that co-opted you long ago, you look up and see in all its effulgence my immaculate character, and bemoan, as well you might, your wrong choices and misspent life. But still you will not denounce the architect of your life’s wreckage, but prefer to praise him for an illusory “idyllic childhood” while you condemn thousands of innocent children to death in his abortion mills and hail his fallacious “social achievements.” What kind of monster are you and why must I put up with your insolence and insouciance.

  29. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    It’s 10 pm, Tellechia — time for your meds.

    Your detractors have emerged on the internet, even on this silly but amusing blog (and others). Your brain is back in a past dark age when anybody who opposes your primitive thinking is castro’s commie agent. You no longer think, you emote. You babble.

    Sorry, old man. You haven’t described me or my beliefs. I despise totalitarians: unfortunately for you, we actually agree completely in our hatred of Castro and our abhorrence of his deeds. The difference is, I recognize how you and yours have buckled under and lost the battle against him and his. Your lovely prose cannot disguise the loss of hope and the stench of defeat that history reveals.

    Far worse than an abortion, you’re a freak, a mutant, and a loser. I only hope you’re a sterile one, and that your foul line of freaks ends with your own demise.

    Have a nice day!

  30. Steve Says:

    And to think this started out as a fond tribute to living in south Florida!

    Manny, Bang-Bang: enough, already? To quote the late Rodney King, Why can’t we all just get along?

  31. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    You are 36 years old, which is hardly a boy any more. When are you going to accept responsibility for Cuba’s fate? When Marti was 36 he was on the verge of uniting all Cubans in the definitive struggle against Spanish domination. How far along are you on the project of national liberation? Or are you waiting till you are 46? Or 56? Or 66? It seems to me that your impotent rage is the product of your own sterility and cowardice. At my age, I do all that anyone could expect of me to advance our cause? And what of you? Is matching wits against me a satisfactory outlet for your patriotic fervor?

    I am pleased to hear you say that you hate Castro as much as I do, which is the most that anyone can hate him. But at your age that is not enough. Hate must translate into action. Not until that time shall you have the right to criticize me, and then only a venal and ungrateful wretch would.

    There was a time when we could address each other without rancor. That was when Alex was gansibele. Certainly I have not changed. So it stands to reason that it is you who changed the tenor of our exchanges. When you accord me the respect that is due my years, I shall regard you with less contempt.

  32. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    I have tried my best to end the discord by ceasing to blog at Stuck on the Palmetto. But it is quite useless. He is addicted to trading barbs with me and will follow me anywhere. I am not going to assume a pseudonym to evade him because I, for one, will always be readily identifiable regardless of whether I sign my name or not. The other possibility is to stop blogging, which I will do soon but not quite yet.

    I realize, because I have been on earth long enough to realize such things, that Alex’s evident disdain conceals not a little admiration, if not for my views, then for the style in which I express them. I should not be surprised if some day, when I am long gone, he adopts the language and even the content of my opinions. Age will help to mature his views and he is already a good if careless writer.

  33. Steve Says:

    Manny: You lost me somewhere…..best I can figure out is now you think Alex of SoTP and “Bang Bang Lulu,” with whom you’ve been sparring, are the same person, even though earlier, yesterday, you thought (s)he was a French whore of your acquaintance. (Of course, maybe you were being funny again…and it was MY turn to miss it.)

    For what it’s worth, posts from Alex (hasn’t been one here for a while) and BBL have different IP addresses, which suggests they’re NOT the same person; nor is their posting style very similar at all. I doubt they’re one and the same. You (or I) could send Alex an email and ask, but I doubt you’d believe him if he said No. BBL does not leave an email address.

    And if you look back at some of the threads, I think you’ll see that quite a few have posts that don’t agree with you either, on lots of separate issues, too. Like French poets, ferchrissake!

    Maybe it’s best to agree to disagree and leave it at that. What’s the harm?

  34. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    I guess it’s a gift. But I have always been able to detect the mythic John Longfellow in any of his 1001 disguises. I thought this gift was limited to identifying John’s deathless prose. But no, I’m also able to tell Alex’s footprints wherever he roams. The French whore bit was indeed a joke, although with a moniker like “Bang-Bang Lulu,” he’s really asking for it.

  35. Bang Bang Lulu Says:

    Stop whining, Tellechia, you old deluded dunce. I am not your 36 year old Cuban boyfriend any more than I am a French whore. I’m merely someone fed up with the fools like yourself who rant and rave while achieving nothing, and blame the world for their own weaknesses and failures. Ask yourself your own question, aimed at your young tormentor, above: When will YOU, Tellechea, accept responsibility for Cuba’s fate? As late as yesterday you were still in denial.

    Nor will I address this any more as it’s clear that you can, but won’t, confront your own devils, but prefer to wallow in the fabrications and leberswelt of your own shoddy manufacture.

    Back to your rice and beans, old man. Keep the colon clear and these conversations odor free.

  36. Lulu Bang Bang Says:

    On the subject of rice and beans, Lulu, will you bring the chicken or the duck?

  37. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    “I am not your 36 year old Cuban boyfriend any more than I am a French whore.” — Bang Bang Lulu

    You know, of course, that you are actually admitting to being both? When you say “any more than something” what you are actually saying is that you are a 36-year old punk in no greater (or more flamboyant) degree than you are a French whore.”

    Whatever you are, I am sure you’re easy (which happens to be the security word for this post).

  38. Cubana Beanlarden Says:

    I have tried my best to end the discord by ceasing to blog at Stuck on the Palmetto. . . . The other possibility is to stop blogging, which I will do soon but not quite yet.

    Commenting profusely on other people’s blogs is NOT blogging!

  39. Hose B Says:

    Yo Manuel, Caribbean Comrad: that’s just LAME. We all know what Lulu means. First you beg her to respect your age, then you turn around and get all raised-pinky petty. If you’re going to answer her charges, go ahead. I’ve thought the same thing myself: how come with all the brains, money, influence, and power, how come Castrato is still there 50 years later? Who’s really to blame here? I don’t see you or anybody else owning up to jack shit.

    Otherwise, let’s move on, okay?

  40. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Commenting profusely on other people’s blogs is NOT blogging! — Cubana Beanlarden

    It is the way I do it.

  41. Cubana Beanlarden Says:

    That’s just great! Amigos, let me introduce to you: the blogless blogger who squats.

  42. Hose B Says:

    Manuel, I’m home sick today so I had time to re-read this whole thread. Amigo, I’m stunned: is there no end to your arrogance? Everything you say is to puff up Manuel, and even when you’re caught as a blundering fool, as Bang Bang Lulu did, you just push on and toss out irrelevancies. You got something to offer, do it, but leave out the preening, okay?

    And now you’re honking off Manola, who could beat the crap out of us both on the playground of your choice, you know.

    happy new year

  43. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Cuba Beanlarden:

    The happiest day of any Miami blogger’s life is the day that I “squat” on his (her) blog.

  44. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:


    Bang Bang Lulu was publicly exposed and disappeared from the blogosphere. If you consider that a “victory” you can be sure your own victory is coming soon.

    I shall have no respect for you or credit one word you say until you spell your own name correctly. It’s José,not “Hose.”

  45. Hose B Says:

    Manuel: I guess I missed it when “Bang Bang Lulu was publicly exposed.” Last word I saw was right here, when she called you out to defend yourself after you went whining about the lack of respect you (alone) think you deserve, and you concocted some fable about her being somebody else. Your fantasies aren’t exposing anything at all except your slippery grasp on reality.

    And if that’s a sampling of your entire intellectual stick in trade, I’m reluctantly forced to agree with her. You’re “a deluded old dunce.”

    Other than that I like you.

    But listen — it’s not Jose. It never was. It’s Hose B. Like the joke about the Puerto Rican twin brothers at the firehouse: Jose and Hose B. Joke. Ha ha. Get it yet?

    Maybe we should give you a nickname, too, like El Squatto?

  46. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Thank-you for explaining the “old joke.” Now I get it.

    All I can say is that Bang Bang Lulu has left the building. Her feeble efforts to engage me intellectually must have caused her to have some kind of breakdown. Or perhaps her valve closed.

    To a collector of cigar labels, “El Squatto” sounds just like one of the typical brands of Cuban cigars sold in this country over the last century. The manufacturers didn’t know Spanish but knew what Spanish names were supposed to sound like. It was much the same case with the developers who named Coral Gables’ streets.

    If you modified it to “El Querido Squatto” (or the “Much-Wanted Squatto”), you would be closer to the truth. People generally don’t want squatters on their property, but I generally find that, as I noted earlier, “The happiest day of any Miami blogger’s life is the day that I ‘squat’ on his blog.”

  47. Alex Says:

    Well, well, what do I miss while I’m travelling? It goes without saying, Manuel/Roger, that I’m not Lulu. The multiple personality blogging disorder is yours alone, the guilty dog barks the loudest.

    Also, I suspect the reason you squat (how apropos a verb for the logorrhea you inflict) on other people’s blogs is because yours would have no visitors. Of course it would be THE GREATEST BLOG IN THE WORLD authored by a CUBAN.

  48. Ted End Says:

    I don’t know, “Alex.” I followed this thread real close and I have to say, it looks to me like Bang Bang Lulu and you both have the same handwriting.

  49. Manuel A. Tellechea Says:

    Ted End Says:

    There is no doubt that they have the same handwriting. I exposed “Lulu” as Alex a while back. To cover his tracks Alex tried to pin “Roger” on me, but Alesh exposed his deception on Critical Miami, which, of course, was all Alex needed to persist in it.

    Alex is right in one respect: if I had a blog I wouldn’t care how many visitors I got. I do not need outside validation as he so desperately does. And still, I get such validation constantly. On Alex’s blog more than anywhere else in fact. His partner Rick recently acknowledged on Stuck on the Palmetto that I actually do have a fan club of sorts. He was at first reluctant to admit it, but is now convinced. Alex, of course, will never be convinced. His fragile as gossamer ego will not allow it.

    Occasionally, I will throw a little indirect compliment his way because I don’t want him to starve. I encourage others to feed his ego as well. Perhaps it will make him less bitter and warped.

  50. Alex Says:

    You felt that gust of wind on your scalp, Roger? That was irony, going right over your head.

  51. Ted End Says:

    Hey! I didn’t write that!! Knock off stealing my name, yo, Manuel Asshole Tellechea you cheap pickpocket namenapper! Police!! Police!!!

Leave a Reply