Carnival Cruise Lines’ USS Liberty literally steamed into Port Everglades today, carrying 700 projectile-vomiting and be-shitted passengers who shared norovirus on the cruise, a highly contagious virus causing gastroenteritis.
“You didn’t know whether to put your head in the toilet or sit on the toilet,” said David Steele, 42, of Fort Lauderdale. ‘”It was messy,” said passenger Brian Swanson, 64, of Canada, who spent six days on the boat on a diet of bananas and dry toast. Miami Hurled
(Only in South Florida do you get your picture in the paper for transcontinental barfing.)
“You could smell ‘em coming,” one Port worker noted, wrinkling his nose. I haven’t smelled that much human waste since my navy days, sailing into Calcutta’s seaport.”
Carnival immediately launched a massive clean-up effort that will continue for two days. An army of workers in hazmat suits will work ’round the clock to restore the ship — if they can.
“There were staterooms literally ankle deep in vomit,” one worker reported. And in one bathroom, there was excrement covering one wall from ceiling to floor.” He paused. “I guess the shit hit the fan.”
“Who’s on these cruises, anyway?” a worker asked, rhetorically. “Old people and underpaid third world workers in a closed, isolated venue. If that’s not a combination begging for a health disaster, I don’t know what is. The real miracle is this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often.”
A Carnival spokesman denied that a similar problem was waiting to happen at the newly christened Carnival Performing Arts Center. “It’s not the name that causes people to get the trots,” she snapped, “It’s the sanitary conditions. We’re not allowed to just dump our waste on the high seas anymore, so we carry it around for 2 weeks, and sometimes, well, you know. Not that we’re unsanitary or anything. I mean, well, look, good-bye.”