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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dude — Where’s My Porn Store?

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip,Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:51 am

Dania Beach, Broward County’s oldest city, has declared war on one of the only successful industries it has: adult entertainment.

The city decreed that under new zoning laws, “Adult Entertainment” establishments must relocate to “industrial areas” in the tiny city, of which there is about one. And they also must be 1,000+ feet from residential property, houses of worship, schools, places selling alcohol, and public parks.

”Basically, they can’t be within 1,000 feet of anything,” said David Scott, attorney for one of the endangered businesses. “In actuality there are no places within the city of Dania Beach that an adult entertainment establishment can locate lawfully,” James Benjamin, representing another, wrote in a letter to the city. — Miami Hurled

What is it about porn stores that chaps a politician’s ass?

“It’s not the porn stores per se,” explains Councilman Hart Stoole, reached by telephone. “It’s their success. For over 10 years now, Dania Beach has maintained a steady, consistent level of failure as a metropolis: high crime, flat revenue, limited business, zero growth, etc. Nobody wants to come here, let alone live here. Except when it comes to these redlight300.jpgdamn porn stores. They pull in customers like dead meat draws maggots.”

Why are city leaders so dead set against success?

“Well, it’s our culture of decrepitude, our history. And we’re damn good at it! We’ve successfully resisted every single developer’s plan to tear down a block of boarded-up abandoned stores and build anything at all, even as Hollywood and Ft Lauderdale on either side of us have exploded with new construction and revenue. That Main Street Program almost succeeded, but we undermined it before it blossomed. Why, we shuttered entire shopping centers on Federal Highway and closed the museum! Even the famous Antique Alley is a shadow of itself any more. There hasn’t been a new home built in Dania since Monica went down on Bill — last time either one of us had an erection Ha Ha! — and now we’re closing the shipyards, too.”

But the porn industry soldiers on.

“Yeah, but not for long. We got the nails and plywood all ready to go. Another few months there’ll be nothing left but hollow shells and stains on the sidewalk.”

Seems pretty strange to me. Here’s a seaside town with a wide beach and a dramatic fishing pier, intracoastal access, attractive wetlands; great location between Lauderdale and Miami; a quick hop to the airport, 95, 595, and the Turnpike. Plenty of land for exactly the kind of affordable housing that working people lament the lack of. A small downtown with untapped potential for charm and quaintness. And the jai-alai building is approved for gambling.

It’s a damn shame. Those porn stores are the least obscene thing in the entire city.

19 Responses to “Dude — Where’s My Porn Store?”

  1. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    Here Here, I stand up and commend you on this one. Almost everything you state is TRUE!!!

  2. Dania Office of Tourism Says:

    Hey faggot! You want porn, strap-ons, and double-headed dildoes? Try Wilton Manors. We don’t need perverts in our town.

  3. Boone Says:

    Excellent blog. So true. And also what is true that when people disagree with you, they can’t make a small attempt at intelligent conversation. Why is this society so obsessed with and fearful of sex?

  4. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    Hey Dania Office of Tourism, why do you suggest we goto Wilton Manors? You suggesting we are gay? If so then why does the city of Dania have a large population of Homosexuals? There is even a apartment building catering to Homosexuals 2 blocks north of Sheridan and 2 blocks east of US-1.

  5. Closeted Says:

    Thanks for speaking up for the gay residents of Dania Beach, Mr Tinkle. Between all the French Canadians and sailors, there’s actually a substantial population. Which makes its cheesy ugliness even more difficult to understand.  Do you live in those apartments?  Would you like to get together some time soon?

  6. Hollywood Hal Says:

    How did we get from “adult entertainment” to gay sailors? Most of the adult entertainment available in Dania Beach is hetero, like Fantasy Lounge, or all-inclusive, like A-X Video. Not that I go to either one, of course. Too often. Well, maybe now and then. Or weekly. Sometimes more.

  7. Village People Says:

    Oooooh. Gay sailors. Yum.
    Dania Beach, here we come!

  8. Jenna J Says:

    Tooo baaad Dania Beach! I’m getting ready to open a national chain of stores and I wanted Dania Beach to be the Inaugural Grand Opening complete with celebrity appearances of top porn stars. But now I guess I have to look elsewhere. Tooo baaad!

  9. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    Hey Closeted, last week was coming out week until next years coming out week, get back in the closet!

    Its just a damn shame the city cant leave a business alone that does business. How many people other than the shop owners have you seen walking into the antique shops? I got a news flash for you, goto the post office every day of the week and see how many people from those shops are walking in with lots of boxes. They are selling their crap on Ebay instead of selling it to customers that dont exist.

  10. Cameil Toe Says:

    Maybe somebody should look into a store with antique porn and sex toys. Would that be okay with Dania Beach?

  11. Mark Foley's Page Says:

    “If you build it, they will come.”

  12. Charlie Crist Says:

    Speaking of Mark Foley — have I mentioned lately that I’m not gay?

  13. Living Will Says:

    Last time I drove through Dania Beach, it was closed.

  14. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    Last time I drove through Dania it was For Rent, Sale and Lease. Oh and they had free pumpkins too!

  15. The TRUTH Says:

    listen i drive throught dania beach often, due to the fact that i do alot of fishing on dania pier. and your blog is correct in the fact that the porn industry is the best money making industry there. but the truth is in brings in money but drops the morals of the city and drives every decent industry out, along with potential residents. And brings in all the filth that comes along with porn. drugs, prostitution, crime. Every time i drive threw there i see either a crack addict or a prostitute. And the truth is the city has huge potential by its location, buts needs to clean up. And im not singleing porn out, there is much more, but all these filths that are bringing that city down are linked, and starting by kicking porn out is a good first step.

  16. Player Says:

    It’s possible to have adult entertainment without whores, drugs, and crime. But what’s the point?

  17. realist Says:

    Anyway what’s the point? Dania’s a loser. Let it rot and die. Who gives a shit?

  18. !!! Says:

    And maybe its the same people behind the legislation and porn stores that will come in, buy up the town for a pittance, and make a fortune building resort developments… that’s how it works! No mystery!

  19. Hollywood Hal Says:

    Boy this is a post from the past, hey? Meanwhile, the Fetish Box has Going Out of Business signs all over the windows. Another successful business bites the dust.

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