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Friday, September 29, 2006

Genesis of the Olympic Spirit

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:34 am

On this site you’ll find an interesting video of a Japanese world champion competitive eater (I assume this is a closely followed sport) taking on a hungry 1,000 pound Alaskan Kodiak bear in a hot dog eating contest.

This reminds me of story about a teevee show host in Cleveland many years ago.

His name was “Mush Mouth Mario,” and he hosted a cornball 2-hour Saturday afternoon show which featured horrid old Japanese monster movies, bad B horror flicks, and the like. He’d interrupt throughout the show to make insulting remarks, poking fun at the movies and the actors and the like. Lots of cities had shows with hosts like this, and Mystery Science Theater 3000 epitomized them.

Anyway, Mario – “the Pride of Parma” – had a standing contest on his show: he challenged all comers to a pizza-eating contest. Not quantity, but speed. He claimed he could eat a 16” pizza faster than anyone on earth, and throughout his tenure, he proved it over and over, live, on the air.

He had a technique where he practically inhaled slices one after the other, and nobody ever came close.

Then one day he found himself suckered into a contest with a German Shepherd.

Not one to back down, Mush Mouth took on the dog, only to lose for the first time in his career. “Nobody beats Mush Mouth Mario!” he raged afterwards, and while conceding defeat, he demanded a rematch, vowed to “go into training,” and promised victory. Several months later he pronounced himself ready, and the dog returned to the show.

Well, it was no contest. Mario redeemed himself. He beat the dog. Like he said, Nobody beats Mush Mouth Mario, least of all some fucking dog.

Our champion!! And, it turns out, a man ‘way ahead of his time. There wasn’t any such thing as “competitive eating” back then, let alone a 24 hour sports channel to promote and broadcast it.

vomit.jpgRumor has it that he folded up, then swallowed the entire pizza in one unchewed gulp, scalding his mouth and throat badly, and that within seconds of going off camera, he horked up the entire works — garlic, anchovies, and peppers covered in mucous (and presumably parts of his esophagus lining) — all over the studio floor.

The rumor goes on to claim that the dog ate that, too. Now, that’s a good dog. Gracious in defeat. “Win-Win for Everybody,” as they say.

Thanks to Attu Sees All for the heads-up on the video, and blogfart for the graphic. Visit both!

8 Responses to “Genesis of the Olympic Spirit”

  1. Helen Highwater Says:

    Why not stage eating competitions around the world where large numbers of people are starving? That would focus attention on just how wrong the entire concept is.

  2. Mark Upp Says:

    The bear beat the man on the man’s turf. For rematch purposes, stand both in an Alaskan river in the middle of the wilderness and see who can eat a live salmon faster. Something tell ms this would turn into a marathon: eat, swim, run like all hell. And maybe eat again, if it comes out the way I think it would.

  3. Polly Want a Cracker Says:

    Have you ever seen a parrot eat? “Eat slowly! You eat like your food is going to run away!”

  4. Boone Says:

    And we wonder why people around the world view us as gluttons?

  5. German Shepard Says:

    The story is largely false. He lost the rematch, too, And I never ate his foul vomit — the camera crew beat me to it. That was back in Cleveland, remember.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    stop picking on little girls. but she is sexy help me rape her I’ll give you a million $$$$$$$$$$$$

  7. shower cubicles Says:

    Added to my favourites list and added to my blogroll.

  8. Stan Garde Says:

    Y’know Klotz, you should really go back to blogging stories like this every day. It’s not like you have a real life, right?

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