Quacker Whacked by Crackers
Seems a trio of fishermen are in some trouble with the law for beating the crap out of a Muscovy duck. Allegedly, the duck was stealing the bread they were using for bait, and they tried shooing it away with a stick. When that proved ineffective, they used the stick to beat it to death, solving one problem, but creating another.
I stand by my opinion of Muscovy ducks — they’re as ugly, aggressive, and beshitted as homeless crack addicts, without the charm — so to get another perspective, I call occasional correspondent and sports enthusiast Vera Lu Senz for her views.
“It’s a damn crime and a crying shame,” she states, flatly.
What — killing the helpless duck?
“Hell, no,” she says. “Charging those anglers for protecting their property! Arresting ‘em for defending their right to fish in peace!”
Fishing is a right? Is that the IGFA’s official position?
“It’s more than a right, it’s a religion! To some of us, it’s a sacred ritual! It’s peace of mind, communing with nature, and worshiping a higher power! And here’s this goddam hideous thieving duck crashing the church! Stealing bread! Try snatching the wafer out of a priest’s hand during holy communion and see what happens. Go try to rip off the matzoh from the Passover plate!”
Bit extreme, aren’t we Lu? I mean, it’s a dumb bird tempted by food in its face. Hardly worth a holy crusade.
“What are you, an Appeaser? And let me remind you, Mr. Neville Chamberlain, in Florida we have a Stand Your Ground law in effect. Those ducks are dangerous. They spit, they bite, and god knows they shit like elephants on Ex-Lax. You can’t reason with ‘em, and they’re too dumb to take hints. Those anglers deserve medals, not handcuffs.”
I thank Lu Senz, but not before warning her that her vituperative reaction would probably draw the ire of radical animal rights groups.
“Bring ‘em on,” she says. “You’ll never find this red-blooded American sportsman in Duck and Cover mode.”
September 13th, 2006 at 6:41 am
I for one, am glad the wife and I left Pembroke Pines and moved to Dania Beach. I was tired of hosing out the carport from duck shit. That shit is slipery too! Not to mention discusting and smelly too. We did our duty and had to feed Mr. Kitty outside (Tuxedo Cat from next door) But the damn ducks came in every few days to clean out his bowl. I agree with Klotz on this one….
September 13th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Fish are living creatures & deserve respect! Does the act of hunting them down with hooks & bait make men feel superior? Fishing is a crime (against nature) & those fishermen should be hanged by the neck until dead not only for the murder of an innocent, hungery duck but also for the fish they murder to satisfy their hunger for blood.
Go eat some weeds you dweebs & let all of God’s creatures live.
Save the animals!
September 13th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
Muscovy Duck is delicious, especially with Raspberry Glaze!
September 13th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
If it’s not God’s will for man to eat fish, how come He made them so tasty? Which is something not to be said about those mottle-faced Muscovy ducks.
September 13th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
Muscovy ducks are delicious, period. I have ‘em live, feathered and writhing. Yum.
September 13th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Oh Me Oh My they killed a duck. BFD! When I lived on a farm as a kid we killed animals hands all the time. Sometimes with our bare hands! B.F.D.! Death and dying are part of life. Shoving hooks and shooting bullets into living things are part of life. Beating small furry animals to death with sticks is part of life. Yeah it hurts — them — so BFD! B.F.D.!!
September 14th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Muscovy ducks aren’t even native to South Florida, so why the hell are they protected by state statute?
September 14th, 2006 at 12:49 pm
I LOVE Muscovy ducks! But I hate animals.
September 15th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
If they had put some hot sauce on that stupid bird and eaten it, would it still be a food crime?
No wonder the world laughs at us.
P.E.T.A must stand for
People
Eternally
Talking (out of their)
Asses
September 15th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
Speaking as president of People Against Abuse of Sticks (PAAS), I demand that the two murderous stick wielders be tarred and feathered. (Too late for the duck, but he’d already been feathered anyway.)