"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Monday, August 28, 2006

Hurricane-Free Hurricane Watch

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:00 pm

dunce.jpgGetting on noon, now, and the region is panicking nicely.

At this point, as near as I can tell, nobody knows whether or not Ernesto (“Che”) will be upgraded to a hurricane. Nevertheless we’re on hurricane watch. I understand that for the same reason, we’re also on “earthquake watch.” And “plague of frogs watch.” However, we’re not on “sane interstate highway driver watch,” and no immediate plans are in the works for that.

Saturday’s “irresponsible media hype” watch has been upgraded to “warning.”

A telegenic spokesman in shirtsleeves and a necktie (“I’m not a meteorologist, just a full head of hair over vapid set of eyeballs and a polished-tooth smile”) noted that at this moment, “We don’t know if Ernesto (Che) will become a hurricane, let alone what level; we don’t know if it will head west over the Caribbean or North to Florida (or both!); if it heads north we don’t know which coast will take the bigger hit or when.”

Asked if we knew all that last week, he looked confused.”We didn’t know anything at all last week,” he replied. “Now we know what we don’t know, and next week we’ll know if what we didn’t know now was right!”

One thing for certain: no matter what happens regarding Ernesto (Che), FPL customers will lose power. When I called my contact (Boob at FPL) at 6 this morning, he was upbeat and positive. “Oh, I guarantee that!” he boomed, happily. “You can always count on your power company to cut out early whenever so much as a threat of even a little storm is in the area! FPL is 100% dependable in that regard. Never fear!”

11 Responses to “Hurricane-Free Hurricane Watch”

  1. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    yeah Steve, Boob from Floridah plunger and loot (Madem E) wont let me use my name for them. Well anyway at about 7:40 this morning good Ole Boob let us know who was in charge here and flickered the lights. Not a damn cloud in the sky! He just wanted to let us know he is in charge and on the job.

    On a side note, for the first 13 yrs of my life in a small upstate NY town I remember the power going out once, one time, Uno, 1. It was Christmas day and there was a great snow storm. This was about 1-2 yrs before being kidnapped and brought to this hell hole against my will. Now we are lucky if the power doesnt go down once a week. FPL goes down more than a cheap whore on Federal in Dania Beach. Remember folks, if its good looking its a BSO officer, if its ugly its a whore in Dania Beach!

  2. Ted End Says:

    Mister Twinkle seems to know a hole lot about Federal Highway whores, especially the male ones. In the words of FPL, that’s……shocking.

  3. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    NO I KNOW THAT THE PASTOR OF OUR CHURCH WAS ARRESTED FOR PICKING UP ONE. LUCKY FOR HIM IT WAS A FEMALE. THERE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS A BLACK TRANSVESTITE ON US-1. KNOWN AS DENNY, HE OR SHE HAS EVEN BEEN ON COPS BEFORE WITH ONE OF MY BUDDIES FROM BSO AND CAR SHOWS.

  4. Denny Says:

    Hey Mr Sinkhole! Hi Ted! Call me, okay? 867 5309. And what happened to the Pastor LimpDick anyway? White devil stood me up.

  5. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    Asshole Pastor is now living up around Lake Okeechobee, the church swept the whole thing under the carpet. The churches carpet not the hookers.

    Denny you dumb ass, thats Jenny’s phone number, I got it, I got it, I got it off the wall.

    Jenny Jenny who can I turn to
    You give me something I can hold on to
    I know you’ll think I’m like the others before
    Who saw your name and number on the wall

    Jenny I’ve got your number
    I need to make you mine
    Jenny don’t change your number

    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Jenny Jenny you’re the girl for me
    You don’t know me but you make me so happy
    I tried to call you before but I lost my nerve
    I tried my imagination but I was disturbed

    Jenny I’ve got your number
    I need to make you mine
    Jenny don’t change your number
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine

    I got it (I got it) I got it
    I got your number on the wall
    I got it (I got it) I got it
    For a good time, for a good time call

    Jenny I’ve got your number
    I need to make you mine
    Jenny I’ve called your number

    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine

    Jenny Jenny who can I turn to
    (Eight six seven five three oh nine)
    For the price of a dime I can always turn to you
    (Eight six seven five three oh nine)

    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    Eight six seven five three oh nine
    five three oh nine…

  6. T. S. Ernesto Says:

    Buenos Dias Everybody,

    My name is Ernesto and I yam the man who sells blue tarps to Florida residents. I simply blow dem off de roofs where dey are now and re-sell dem to de same people again. Ay caramba……so eef your lookin for a tarp dat’ll last through several season, Call me Ernesto at PI 5, 2200…thats Ernesto, PI 5 two two hundred.

    Tarpe Diem
    Ernesto

  7. Da King 9eieiiiiiine Says:

    Denny, I’ve got your number. Mr. Jizzkle is still looking for the other half of that street walker.

  8. IB D KING Says:

    I still want my $20 back from BSO that they said I gave that woman in front of Tarks.

  9. Boone Says:

    Is it possible that the weather channel is owned by Home Depot or Wall Mart? This storm was a joke. And for the 300 or so Florida residents who lost power…. how the hell did that happen? I think the wind got up to 5 miles an hour and we got almost enough rain to rinse the soap suds of a compact car. To top it off, when we were at the height of the storm, (5 mile an hour winds and steady drizzle of rain) the weather watchers on TV were screaming “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”. Don’t they know we were looking out of our windows and wondering….. what storm????

  10. Warren Rabbit Says:

    Boone: your onto something. I suspected Mall Wart and Homo Deepo since Andrew, when they both showed gigundo jumps in their stocks’ value the next quarter, but didn’t make announcements about it the way they normally would. Shit. Didja ever think maybe they control not just the weather channel, but the weather?!?!

  11. My Miami News Blog » Blog Archive » Hurricane reading Says:

    […] , Stuck on the Plametto, Klotz, Miami Vision Blogarama, Hidden City, Babal . Also some NY Times love (?South Floridians began hoarding gasoline and other emergency supplies . . .?). […]

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