"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Friday, June 23, 2006

Dog Day of Summer

Filed under: Etherea,News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 9:28 am

If you missed the memo, Wednesday was the summer solstice — first day of summer! — and today is international Take Your Dog to Work Day.

Re: Item 1 — Yippee!! Warm weather at last!
Re: Item 2 — In the words of Sam Goldwyn, Include me out.

Guido has a dog. Her name is Tequila (we call her “Teaky”) named after my second favorite thing. After all, how would it sound to the neighbors if they heard me saying, “Here, Pussy! Come, Pussy! Roll over and beg, Pussy!”?

Although she’s an adopted purebred Heinz 57, mostly she looks like a Belgian Malinois. She’s intelligent, somewhat willful, and very affectionate. Everybody likes her except me, who finds her clingy, stubborn, and self-centered. So I will NOT be taking the foul hound to the office today, in fact, one reason I go to the office (other than that pesky paycheck requirement) is to get out of the house and away from the dog.

Don’t get me wrong. Most dogs are okay. Basically, they’re rednecks, of course: their simpleminded tastes run to drinking, eating, mindless entertainment like chasing birds and fetching sticks, licking their privates, riding in fast cars, and rank smells. The exceptions are far worse, like those obscenely coiffed rats one sees, often hauled around by thoroughly uncharming (equally obscenely coiffed) women. Or those obnoxious yappy midget doglets subject to brainless yabbering, drooling and wetting themselves out of fear, and cross-eyed attitude. You know the type — they resemble right wing talk show hosts (think O’Reilly and Savage), although admittedly they display better manners, and make more sense.

Guido’s first dog was a gigantic (100 pound) female golden retriever we named Jersey. She loved everybody, especially me, and had the brain of a fig newton (hence her misplaced affection). When we walked her through the streets people would stop their cars to tell us how gorgeous she was. I might have taken her to work. But not this dingbat.

I like other people’s dogs more than the ones I live with. We get along. Problem is, I’m a cat person, and most dogs know it. Cats are far more complex creatures than dogs. They make better shark bait, too.

Say — it’s old news already, but here’s a guy who won’t be taking his dog to work. First of all, he doesn’t have a job. Second of all, his idea of “puppy love” is a bit extreme, even for upstate Florida. Third, Florida has a problem legitimizing same-sex relationships. Well, at least he wasn’t burning a flag or reading a book.

Happy summertime, folks.

9 Responses to “Dog Day of Summer”

  1. Steinmeister Says:

    “Warm weather at last?” Where have you been? Under a (Rolling) Rock?

  2. Teaky the Dog Says:

    Nice post, asshole. Watch your step when you get home. I left you a present.

  3. T M Pube Says:

    You wrote “She’s intelligent, somewhat willful, and very affectionate”

    Guido’s not that affectionate except when she starts sniffing my balls.

  4. Gypsy Ed Romany Says:

    Dogs are wonderful creatures, and the one shown here (is that yours?) is gorgeous. Quit bitching (heh heh). The only prayer anybody needs is, “Lord, help make me the person my dog thinks I am.”

  5. Manola BBB Says:

    Who let the dogs out! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof!

  6. Sr. Trenta Says:

    Nice picture of your perro. Would it be possible to get a shot of [or at] her other end, por favor?

  7. Teqi Says:

    Daaad, you spelled my name wrooong. But I love you anyway. By the way, Teaky the Dog is an imposter. And you know I would never leave packages in the house. I can’t wait till you get home so I can stomp & slobber all over your feet. They’re my favorites. Big sloppy kisses!!

  8. The Python Says:

    I LOVE dogs. Not too big, now. Just a mouthful or two.

  9. Tony Says:

    That guy takes ‘doggystyle’ to an entirely different level.

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