"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Vamos to Hell

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 9:44 am

Now in full duck-and-cover mode, the Miami-Dade School Board has declared its intention to remove from all school-owned facilities copies of the Havana telephone directory.

“We had a number of these on display, available for the convenience of the community and as a learning instrument for the kids,” explained a spokesman for the Board, cowering behind a closed door in the basement of the Biscayne Blvd. administration building. “But a number of parents called up to complain that the directory gave a misleading view of what life is like for ordinary telephone service customers under the communist system they escaped from, and resented its presentation to their children.”

Evidently a call was received (the spokesman wouldn’t say when or who took it) from a “Hispanic sounding gentleman” who gave the name “Pepe Plantaino.” Reportedly Senor Plantaino noted that telephone service on the island is at a third world level — “worse than BellSouth, if you can believe it!” — and that customers endure interruptions of service, long delays awaiting repairs, and incredibly rude treatment from government/company representatives. “So when you all you see is a list of names and numbers and addresses, like you do in the directory, along with the propaganda about service and commitment and numbers to call for assistance, you don’t appreciate just how horrible life is under the bearded cockroach’s telephonic dictatorship!” he reportedly shouted.

The School Board immediately ordered the books removed, but denied it was “banning” them. “They’re responding to their constituency. That’s their job,” explained the spokesman. He also denied that the Board was pandering to the “Miami Mafia,” or any other political pressure. “I don’t even know ‘pandering’ means,” he wailed. “Isn’t that something to do with black and white bears from China? Ooh, wait! I didn’t mean to say anything racist!”

The spokesman also denied rumors that the Board had received complaints about copies of souvenir pizzeria menus from the island on school premises. “I’ve not heard that, and I’m not aware that the school has any,” he said, slowly. “Of course, if we field any concerns that such menus present a misleading portrait of how the population endures food rationing and limited meal choices, of course we’re move quickly to resolute the situation. Just don’t put a bomb under my car, okay? Please?”

In related news, Cuba’s International Tourist Board announced plans for a winter promotion featuring the island capital’s charm, using the tagline “Historic Havana — the Rules Are Different Here!”

Note: Additional insights are available here, here, here, here. Oh, and here.

7 Responses to “Vamos to Hell”

  1. Merkin Says:

    I went to public schools (not here). I wanted my kids to go to public schools, too. But I gave up the idea 10 years when some other shit was going on, and with this whole issue boiling over, I see I made the right choice.

    btw — Great photo of Bob Ingraham.

  2. John Says:

    You have for the second time secured the “Post of the Year Award”. All I can do is feel your sun.

  3. Helen Highwater Says:

    Amazing how you make everybody look bad with this. Which tells me how the real world (you know, that area outside Miami)must look at us. And it ain’t too pretty, is it.

  4. Manola BBB Says:

    Very true. Miami not too sexy for itself. That’s for sure.

  5. Hose B Says:

    He didn’t say “the rules are different here.” He said “the fools are different here.” And he’s wrong! Same fools, different lattitudes.

  6. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    What the hell do public schools need books for? They are just over crowded day care centers! Yes I went to private school and so does my kid. Its the only way to learn anything in Floridah schools. Out of 5 yrs of schooling down here I went to public school my first year and then my last year. 1-1/2 credits needed in my Senior yr at McArthur. What a joke that place was. They didnt know what to do with me at all.

  7. Voice of Raisin Says:

    Everytime the smell of Lysol clears in this toilet called Miami, some other “freedom fighter” comes and drops another load. This is my first time reading this blog but my friend, you are “numero oono”. Keep up the good work.
    In their weak attempt to get one up on Castro they have morphed into blithering uni-balls. OMG! If Mr. Raul Saul Sanchez got a hold of this blog we would have another hunger strike on our hands. Do you really want that on your conscience?

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