"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Keystone Kapers

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:15 pm

Washington, PA — A woman in southwestern Pennsylvania locked her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes because he told his family he had been spiking their drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner, police said. Rhonda Lehman, 51, also called Washington County’s Mental Health/Mental Retardation office and said if someone wouldn’t come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard, police said. — Miami Hurled

Astonishingly, when authorities came out they actually arrested Grandmom, charging her with “child endangerment and making terroristic threats.”

“This is government overkill!” fumed Thaddeus Snark, Lehman’s attorney. “What kid around here hasn’t been stuffed in a cage full of shit at some time in his life? BEAVER~Beaver-Stadium-Pennsylvania-Posters.jpgThis is farm country! Maybe those county bigwigs forgot their own damn roots!”

Snark pointed out that the 10 year old had been lacing the family’s drinks with lamp oil and a cleaner named “Bam” for quite a while. “So even if she really did say those things about burying the little bastard alive, obviously she wasn’t thinking clearly. I mean, a little shot of household cleaner on a weekend isn’t too bad, but a steady diet has been known to lead to dementia — that’s why Huckabee’s running so strong in these parts.”

Caddy-corner in the keystone state, evidence of other mischief surfaced along the interstate:

SWIFTWATER, Pa. — A woman’s severed head was found Tuesday in a trash bag along an interstate highway, one of eight bags containing body parts discovered beside expressways in northeastern Pennsylvania, authorities said.The parts are believed to belong to the same victim, and it was unclear whether all the body parts have been found, investigators said.

The first bag was found Tuesday morning near the Mount Pocono exit of Interstate 380 by a worker salting the highway, investigators said. More remains were found later Tuesday along I-80. — Miami Hurled

“Until we find a third arm or leg, we’re goin’ with the theory that it’s just one victim,” affirmed state police spokesman Clem Nosstrille. “‘Course that might be different if this was anywhere near the nuclear power plants.”

9 Responses to “Keystone Kapers”

  1. Living Will Says:

    Never been to Pennsyltucky myself. Exactly what kind of sports go on in Beaver Stadium? Looks like the whole state is packed into it.

  2. Fred Upp Says:

    You gotta be crazy to drink “Bam.” It tastes like shit. Bad Shit! You want to drink house cleaner, you stick with either good old Mr Clean (lemon scented) or any product that has an anti-mildew chemical, which works like amphetamines. And if you can hold off puking for 10 minutes of so, the colors are terrific.

  3. Mark Upp Says:

    I just saw this today, Fred. I’m on my way over with your medication, so stay put.

    Sorry to have to post this, Steve, but he’s not answering his phone and I know he stays glued to the internet all day, especially when he’s off his meds.

  4. bathrooms Says:

    I have trawled the Internet to find out more on this. I’m just glad you wrote your blog… I will link your page from my site because I know more people will use this information.

  5. Hugh Bris Says:

    “Trawled” the internet? You moron. Spammer.

    Where are you, Klotz? How come I have to clean up your website?

  6. showers Says:

    Useful information, thanks for taking the time to write it.

  7. ClubPenguinCheats Says:

    Exactly what kind of sports go on in Beaver Stadium? Looks like the whole state is packed into it.

  8. Hugh Bris Says:

    ClubPenguinCheats: It’s nice you’re enjoying this blog, but perhaps you should know that it’s inactive. Th administrator closed it down over 2 years ago and now blogs somewhere else. I refuse to follow him over there, and keep an eye on THIS blog from which I goad him to return.

    I know he sees me because he goes in and cleans up the spam every few weeks. But he won’t come out in the open. Will you, Klotz?

    Anyway, as you see he was really good back when he was working this blog so it’s really a shame he dumped it. The putz. Send him an email if you like and tell him you want to see it reactivated.

  9. Keystoner Says:

    Damn — all this is 3 years before the Sandusky rape business. I left Pennsylvania 20 years ago and I’ve never been happier about it.

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