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A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Monday, December 17, 2007

Express Lane: 10 Items or Less

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:00 pm

Guido and I don’t do a lot of parties any more. One of us drinks too much and tends to fall asleep a lot. The other one won’t stop dancing and keeps the party going and the host awake into the wee hours. Wanna guess who does what?

But this is the time of year when everybody parties, even us. Last week there were three. This week there’s four. Next week she’ll bury me in a wooden cask and in 6 months I’ll be a vintage Reposado.

Friday night we’re getting ready. I’m in the shower shaving my nuts when she calls in, “What are you wearing?”

“Nothing!” I call back. “I’m in the fucking shower! I don’t wear clothes in the shower — they get in the way.”

Next thing I know there’s a semi-infuriated redhead standing there while I’m postured somewhat vulnerably. “Need help with that?” (she threatens). “Here — give me the razor.”

Right. I may look dumb, but I’m ugly.

Public cart.bmpWe end up practically closing the party because some young drunken female decides she’s in love with Guido — dancing, as usual — and wants to take her home. Despite my best tireless efforts to make this happen, Guido resists. “Please,” I beg, pathetically, whining and drooling. “She wants you. I want you! I want her! Please! What kind of Christian would deny her husband? At Christmas fer chrissakes?”

This gets me nowhere, of course. We even end up taking the young lady home, leaving her semi-conscious at the front door of her apartment building in a Publix cart. Security is unimpressed. “Second time this week,” says Garcia (according to his badge). “That’s why I don’t roll the cart back.”

Man, I love this century. Let’s party.

13 Responses to “Express Lane: 10 Items or Less”

  1. Camiel Toe Says:

    I’m proud of you. Using Christmas to pimp your own wife to a drunken lesbian. What a hero. What a man.

  2. the masspube Says:

    the picture is on its side

  3. Steve Says:

    MassPube: So was she.

  4. Maury Says:

    You know, if you keep shaving your nuts they’ll just grow in even heavier.

  5. Ruh Roh Says:

    Hey, is that the same girl from this post? The one Fred Upp said was his sister?

  6. David Mud Says:

    I think I should move to Fla. more happening there than here. I don’t allow a razor to get near my privates.

    get the photo straightened out. my neck hurts.

  7. Dr. Annie Steelclit Says:

    I’m really concerned that you were ‘shaving’ your nuts. Shouldn’t they be ‘cracked’?

  8. Steve Says:

    Thanks to Alesh, I fixed the graphic.

    Guido agrees with Dr. Steelclit that nuts should be cracked, especially those of her spouse. Back home this process is known as “crackin his aggots.”

    Ruh Roh: I admire your attention to detail, but I really don’t know the answer to your question. The girl in the other post is face down. In that pose, they all look somewhat alike. Maybe they’re cousins.

  9. Scott Says:

    I admire you more each day, Steve. I really do. Next time, maybe go with the every-single-neighbor-we-have-has-done-it angle.

  10. Mike Hunt Says:

    I call bullshit! This is clearly a made up story after Steve had a dream about all this after being at a party and drinking a bottle of Don Julio Tequila

  11. Dave Says:

    Now I know why so many women opposed the Home Depot in the Grove! What aisle are the drunk women on?

  12. xoph Says:

    Heh, I was searching on images.google.com for pics of redheads and this picture of a drunk girl in a shopping cart came up. Then I read some of your blog posts, very well written dude -entertaining. If you really did leave the girl outside her apartment complex with security, that’s a bit harsh… just leaving a chick like that all drunk and vulnerable… oh well, shit happens : )

  13. estate agents dublin Says:

    Great looking website, well done to the developers writing this from Dublin. Rob http://www.dublin-propertyservices.ie

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