"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Potty Mouth Smokes Herb

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:27 am

Listen up, class. Today’s ponderable moment concerns foul language. Cursing a blue streak. Spewing venom. Swearing like a sailor with his balls in a square knot.

Question: If you do it in your own home — in your own bathroom, at your own bleeding toilet — is it wrong? illegal? Fattening?

Well, do you live in Scranton, PA?

Scranton, PA – Dawn Herb cursed like a longshoreman on the night her toilet backed up. Whether that constitutes a crime is now in the hands of a judge.

Herb, 33, was cited for disorderly conduct after her neighbor, an off-duty Scranton police officer, called authorities to complain about her potty mouth. Herb pleaded innocent and went on trial Monday. — philly.com

Ms. Herb doesn’t deny it. “There was human feces all over my floor,” she told reporters, who honest to god have nothing more important to do in Scranton besides report on toilet-curser_300.jpgsuch matters. Ever been to Scranton? You’ll want to wipe your feet on the way out. “Hip deep in shit and I should break into ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’?”

Poor Ms. Herb. Busted for exercising a healthy vocabulary.

In Pennsylvania, someone can be convicted of disorderly conduct for using obscene language or gestures in a way that causes “public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm.”

So if you’re walking down the streets of Scranton and some alcoholic Yugo staggers out a tavern to heave his stogie across the street and you yell at a passing pedestrian,
“Duck, fucknuckle!” you can get arrested.

What’s the world coming to? Now you need legal counsel on retainer in case you curse at your backfiring toilet because some off-duty cop might get his tender sensibilities offended and call his buddies to come arrest you?

The toilet –doubtlessly with standing to be the plaintiff in this case — expressed no opinion one way or another. “In my line of work I take a lot of shit,” it said. “You lawmaking critters can figure this one out on your own.”

11 Responses to “Potty Mouth Smokes Herb”

  1. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Look, the woman lives in Scranton, PA.

    THAT is punishment enough.

    Hope you had a good eight nights.

    When can we expect your cookies for the RoD bake-off?

  2. Pain Says:

    Priceless.

  3. Mr Schwinnkle Says:

    OH SHIT!!!

    Hey Adorable, whats wrong with Scranton? Nothing at all, its better than living in Hell called South Florida. BTW I have family from here on my wifes side.

  4. Sal & Sol Says:

    Worst part about Scranton isn’t the mountain of junked cars that extends for miles along the Pennsy turnpike extension (crappiest toll road in the nation, btw), it’s the water that tastes and smells like ass. Ms. Herb’s curses were probably not at the shit backing up and covering her floor, but the rancid water.

  5. Escaped from PA Says:

    On weekends, people in Scranton go to Wilkes-Barre for a good time. They don’t have one there, either, but at least they got the hell out of Scranton.

  6. Lois Terms Says:

    Let the record show that Klotz quoted a toilet for this post. Pulitzer material.

  7. Steve Says:

    AG: I had a wonderful 8 nights — 3 in Key West this summer, 3 over T-Day weekend, and 2 just recently following a visit Guido and I paid to the local sex toy emporium. Thanks for asking. However, I doubt that those popped cookies are the ones you refer to for RoD.

    BTW — why do I have such difficulty posting comments on your otherwise enjoyable blog? And the few times I succeeded, they came out untitled and anonymous. Is there a secret password in a language I can’t speak? Please advise.

    Pain: Welcome. Very interesting blog, too. And my heartiest congratulations for becoming I believe the 8th blogger around the world who deep-linked that photo I posted years ago of the young lady vomiting all over herself.

    Mr Schwinkle: There’s nothing wrong with Scranton that a small nuclear device wouldn’t clear up.

    This was fun let’s do it again. Please visit AG and Pain’s blogs when you have a moment.

    Oh, and Lois: As a fund raiser, I speak to inanimate objects all the time, many as filled with shit as that toilet.

  8. Art Carnage Says:

    I love Scranton. But I hate civilization.

  9. Cavalor Epthith, Esquire, D.S.V.J Says:

    Bloody good site you have here Klotz and I love your style. I suggest Ms Herb invest in a big ear and a DAT recording system and point them at the cop’s home until he swears under his breath during an Eagles game and then pick up the phone and call the State Police whom we all know loathe local cops all across the USA.

  10. Mr Schwinnckle Says:

    Lets all jump from the bridge in Clarks Summit. Do a google search on it and I get it comes up as a bridge for suicides.

  11. Me Says:

    I had to live in Scranton for 4 years as an adolescent. Wait. No. Not even Scranton… the suburbs of Clarks Summit. I contemplated suicide the entire time I was there. Thank god I escaped at age 15 before I had to say I graduated there.

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