"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Other White Meat

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:30 pm

HONOLULU – Two former golf club employees have been charged with theft and cruelty to animals in the death of a pet dog the owners say was cooked and eaten. Witnesses told golf club officials they saw the workers load the dog into a car and drive away at the end of their shift on Dec. 16. Both were fired after the incident.

Manuma said police told him the two men butchered and ate his pet. – Hawaii Star-Bulletin

I guess that’s illegal. I see the theft part, alright: it wasn’t their dinner dog. But if they butchered it properly (kosher style), seems it’s not as cruel as all the incidents of (mostly dog meat.jpgFloridians) who routinely have sex with their dogs. (Search “dog fuckers” on this blog for links. I’m too lazy to find them all, and besides, you probably remember!)

The report did not include any details on preparation. Stereotyping lout that I am, I envision pineapple and pine nuts, a green apple in its snout. Do dogs have drumsticks?

Moving right along….

Akron, MI – Kristen DeGroat just wanted to sell her horse to another animal lover, but her ad ended up under “Good Things to Eat” in the classified sections of two newspapers. About a third of the 60 or so calls she received were from people interested in buying horse meat.

“It’s been enough to turn your stomach,” said DeGroat, who eventually sold her 3-year-old mare, Foxy, to a man who wanted a live horse for his grandchildren. – SFSS

Is there really a “Good Things To Eat” in the classifieds? If I encountered that, I’d assume it listed sex for sale. Or, as Jim Harrison (poet and gourmand cook) once exclaimed, “Battered women? You can do that? All my life I’ve been eating them raw!”

I hate horses. I don’t mean I hate horse meat – far as I know, I’ve never had it, although god only knows what the hell they shovel into scrapple, steak sandwiches, and other staples of my home town – I mean those overgrown beshitted fly magnets with the Seinfeld faces and carrion breath. Eating them needlessly glorifies their existence. I see a horse, I think airplane glue.

Speaking of poetry (and airplane glue):

Kristen deGroat
had a mare named Foxy
She sold her to a man
who rendered her Epoxy.

Besides, this was an innocent mistake. Horsey people may be appalled that so many equine-diners took the ad at (long) face value; I find it harder to accept that people want these critters as household pets. For children, no less. And let’s not start on having children.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Filed under: We Put the "Me" in "Media" — Steve @ 12:24 am

Here’s one you might have missed…..

The son of the most-wanted man in the world spoke Sunday to CNN in a quiet, middle-class suburb about an hour outside Cairo, Egypt.

Omar bin Laden, who works as a contractor, said he is talking publicly because he wants an end to the violence his father has inspired — violence that has killed innocent civilians in a spate of attacks around the world, including those of September 11, 2001.

“I try and say to my father: ‘Try to find another way to help or find your goal. This bomb, this weapons, it’s not good to use it for anybody,’ ” he said in English learned in recent months from his British wife. – CNN

No comment from dad yet. Don’t hold your breath.

In Washington, Pentagon spokesman General Dee Livery acknowledged the veracity of the report but dismissed its relevance. “Fathers don’t listen to their own sons in any culture,” she stated. “Any more than sons listen to their fathers. Look at George W and Whatzisname.”

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Keystone Kapers

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:15 pm

Washington, PA — A woman in southwestern Pennsylvania locked her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes because he told his family he had been spiking their drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner, police said. Rhonda Lehman, 51, also called Washington County’s Mental Health/Mental Retardation office and said if someone wouldn’t come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard, police said. — Miami Hurled

Astonishingly, when authorities came out they actually arrested Grandmom, charging her with “child endangerment and making terroristic threats.”

“This is government overkill!” fumed Thaddeus Snark, Lehman’s attorney. “What kid around here hasn’t been stuffed in a cage full of shit at some time in his life? BEAVER~Beaver-Stadium-Pennsylvania-Posters.jpgThis is farm country! Maybe those county bigwigs forgot their own damn roots!”

Snark pointed out that the 10 year old had been lacing the family’s drinks with lamp oil and a cleaner named “Bam” for quite a while. “So even if she really did say those things about burying the little bastard alive, obviously she wasn’t thinking clearly. I mean, a little shot of household cleaner on a weekend isn’t too bad, but a steady diet has been known to lead to dementia — that’s why Huckabee’s running so strong in these parts.”

Caddy-corner in the keystone state, evidence of other mischief surfaced along the interstate:

SWIFTWATER, Pa. — A woman’s severed head was found Tuesday in a trash bag along an interstate highway, one of eight bags containing body parts discovered beside expressways in northeastern Pennsylvania, authorities said.The parts are believed to belong to the same victim, and it was unclear whether all the body parts have been found, investigators said.

The first bag was found Tuesday morning near the Mount Pocono exit of Interstate 380 by a worker salting the highway, investigators said. More remains were found later Tuesday along I-80. — Miami Hurled

“Until we find a third arm or leg, we’re goin’ with the theory that it’s just one victim,” affirmed state police spokesman Clem Nosstrille. “‘Course that might be different if this was anywhere near the nuclear power plants.”

Electile Dysfunction

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 9:33 am

….that’s when you can’t sufficiently excited about any candidate or issue to get off a vote. (Thanks, MRBart!).

Here in Hollywood’s District 1, newcomer Patti Asseff prevailed not only over the long-time incumbent Cathy Anderson, but also Luis Prado, whose big financial gripe consisted of the police motorcycle corps. That bozoic figure actually gathered found 207 votes, which he attributed to “favorable publicity on teh internets.” Glad to be of service, Luis.

In other news — from the print edition of the Miami Hurled; I couldn’t find the chart on-line which appeared below this article — Republican exit polls revealed that among white voters, McCain drew 33%, Mittney 34, Rudytoot 14, and Huckleberry 15. Among black voters, this statement appears: “There were not enough black voters in the Republican primary to estimate state results.” Think ‘Pubs should count heavily on swinging Black votes this fall?

Also in the print edition only (p 3A) — the story about Detroit’s latest scandal involving a the mayor perjuring himself regarding his (alleged) illicit sexual conduct (‘ho hum) appears under the sub-headline “Illinois.” Evidently the city changed states over night.

We’ll return to reality later today.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It’s Only Words

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 4:41 pm

Tibor.jpg

Always happy to encounter stories like this one…..

Miami blog postings spark $25 million lawsuit

A Miami real estate agent lost his job Monday after postings on his blog sparked a $25 million defamation lawsuit by developer Tibor Hollo. — Miami Hurled

Evidently this litigation had nothing to do with his looks, either.

Garbagegate

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:46 am

Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

We have an ultramodern system for collecting garbage here in Davie By the Sea (a/k/a Hollywood). Twice a week a large truck with a sophisticated dumpster-lift system rumbles down the alley. The driver carefully positions the lift device in front of the city-issued dumpster, which yanks the unit into the air, turns it sideways so its contents spill out (mostly) into the truck, then drops it back on the ground. This is repeated at every dumpster down one side of the alley, after which the truck turns around and comes up the alley for the other side’s bins.

Except it works like shit. Every neighbor has a horror story or three about trash all over the alley, busted-up dumpsters that shatter when they drop, and best of all, smashed-up back fences and gates where the clod in the truck lines it up wrong so the lift device beats the crap out of the landscaping, fence, asphalt, power poles, and everything else imaginable.

This week they tossed my dumpster so off-line it ended UP in a cluster of areca palms, cracking the trees, smashing the fence, and leaving a wheel of the dumpster embedded in the gate. They also lost a load of what looks like broken up bathroom tile behind, right in front of my gate. I call the city, and they forward my concern to Zeke (not his real name).

garbage truck.gifWho’s Zeke, I ask.

“Zeke’s in charge of inspecting damage caused by garbage pick-ups,” I’m told.

That’s his, um, specialty?

“He’ll call you in a day or two. He runs about 2 days behind each call.”

Indeed Zeke calls 2 days later, and comes out to the house to inspect the damage. He agrees that the city needs to replace the fence, gate, and about a dozen dumpsters down the alley. I ask him if inspecting damage is a full-time job.

“Oh, yeah,” he says. “There’s somebody every day. Lotsa somebodies, actually.”

Anybody see anything wrong with this system? It must cost a fortune.

“Everything’s wrong,” he says. “In Hollywood the alleys are too small for the trucks, let alone the 8-foot arm off the lift. They gotta make two trips down each street, doubling fuel consumption. You still need 2 or 3 guys in each truck, so there’s no savings there, either. And nobody likes it except maybe the contractors who come out and work the fence repair.”

Whose idea was this? MicroSoft’s?

He sighs. “Some people say it’s mine,” he says, with a bitter laugh. “Gives me job security. Long as there’s fences and dumpsters getting crushed, I gotta keep runnin’ all over town snappin’ pictures.”

small_garbage_man.jpgHis cell phone rings, so he excuses himself and I hear him handling another resident’s complaint. Soon he’s off, after telling me to expect a crew early next week. Nice guy with an ugly job.

Back in the 19th century slum I grew up in, foul smelling men in filthy uniforms walked down back alleys behind noisy trucks once a week, physically lifting up metal garbage cans, dumping the contents into trucks, tossing the empty can back down, and moving onto the next thousand. It went fast, smooth, and no landscaping or property was injured. Garbage men made money than teachers, and the work was more pleasant.

Nothing like nostalgia for the good old days of garbage collection.

Monday, January 28, 2008

WWFD

Filed under: What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:09 pm

That stands for, “What Would Flashman Do?”

I couldn’t read this without cracking up. Hey: “Do Not Sit On A Thistle.” Ha!

Rise to Vote, Sir

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:42 am

…which, spelled backwards, is “Rise to Vote, Sir.”vote-smart-button.jpg

I know this because I’m a founding member of member of MAD (“Mothers Against Dyslexia).”

Yes…anyway, Tuesday of this week we good citizens of Florida are supposed to do our duty and vote. Whatever. As a registered member of the Green Party, I don’t have the pleasure of voting against anybody this year, but if I could, I’d vote against Edwards and/or Romney, depending. Why don’t these two plastic panderers merge and run as one person on a third party ticket? Who would know the difference? Or give a rat’s ass?

Locally, I get to vote for the mayor and one commissioner in the Hollywood horse races. I live in District One, where four candidates are competing. The incumbent commish is Cathy Anderson, who has served for 35 straight years. Rumor is she’s borderline senile. Well, shit. I have seen her in action and heard her speak, and, in my judgment, No, she’s not borderline senile at all.

But here’s one of her competitors, Mr. Luis Prada, responding to a question in the Sun-Sentinel, about his priorities:

Q: Where in the city budget would you like to decrease and increase spending?

The budget could be immediately reduced by eliminating the use of motorcycles by the Police Department. They are not used at night or during rain or inclement weather. In addition, there is no more expensive insurance than that charged for our motorcycle fleet. — SFSS

Okay. There you are. A deep thinker, a true visionary in the spirit of Jefferson, Franklin, and Kinky Fucking Friedman. This is why Hollywood, Florida, is sometimes confused with ancient Athens, where democracy began.

Can I vote for Nader again? Please?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We’re #1!

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 10:28 am

One reason health care costs are so high is the astonishing level of fraud committed, especially here in south Florida. A story in today’s paper details nine individuals (headed for jail) whose fraudulent claims with Medicare totaled $56.6 million for unnecessary durable medical equipment and infusion therapy.

Medicare data shows that Miami-Dade County alone had more paid durable medical equipment claims than 44 states combined. Only the most populous states — California, Texas, New York, Michigan and Ohio — bill Medicare more than does Miami-Dade for DME claims.

The average Medicare recipient in Miami-Dade each year is named in paid DME claims worth $6,200. In the rest of the nation, the average is $1,200. — Miami Hurled

oprah-feminist.jpgThat’s impressive, isn’t it? What is it about the local market and population that inspires such breathtaking achievements? Maybe we should embrace whatever it is — consider it a reason for celebration and have a parade in its honor. I mean, if we can have Self-Esteem Day and Fat Loss Competitions, perhaps the community characteristic that encourages medical fraud should be lauded as well.

Somebody call Orka Winfrey. She’s usually very good at identifying these sorts of etheria, and lends her name to all kinds of similar causes.

Just an Irrelevant Postscript:

“And, having interviewed Calderón many times over the past 15 years, I have no doubt that his heart is with the Cuban dissidence.”Andres Oppenheimer in the Miami Hurled

I’m pretty sure he meant “dissidents.” Helluva word for the local paper to get wrong.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wee Paws for Baggage Identification

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:48 pm

This guy had a lot of explaining to do….

Seth and Kelly Levy, of Palm Beach Gardens, hold their 10-month-old cat, Gracie Mae. The cat sneaked into Seth’s suitcase for a flight to Dallas/Ftpussy.jpg. Worth and landed in Texas. At baggage claim, another passenger mistakenly grabbed the suitcase and when he returned home Gracie Mae jumped out…. Gracie Mae returned safely home Sunday night on an $80 plane ticket.
SFSS

Yeah, I bet she did. The anonymous passenger who grabbed the wrong bag is probably still trying to explain the strange pussy he got caught smuggling in.

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