"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Friday, March 30, 2007

Nowledge Is Gud

Filed under: Playing With Balls — Steve @ 3:57 pm

WVA.jpgEverything I’ve ever uttered about college sports understates the case made so eloquently by the jerseys on these two athletes.

(Photo from FoxSports.com)

Three Whiffs and We’re Out

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain,Etherea,What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:08 am

Interesting stuff went on this week, answering concerns aired out in earlier posts. E.g.:

Serving No Purpose, revisited

Evidently building statues to unlikely icons is something of a practice in Serbia. In addition to Johnny Weismuller and Sylvester Stallone noted here last month, now the town of Cacak plans to erect a marble statue of Samantha Fox. Mostar has Bruce Lee. And Bijelina plans to build a giant bronze cabbage. Read it here.

End of a Closer

Then there’s the man known to his friends as Triple-U:

CARACAS, Venezuela — Former Major League Baseball pitcher Ugueth Urtaine Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family’s ranch, the Attorney General’s Office announced Wednesday….The 32-year-old free agent [who saved 2 games for the Marlins in their victorious 2003 World Series] was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family’s ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas. — Fox “News”

As my good friend and rabid Phillies fan R.L. Weiss noted in an email, “Who in their right mind would sign Ugeth Urbina to a 14-year contract. Christ, he’ll be 46 at the end of the deal!

Don’t Ask, Give Hell

The best for last: a graduate of the General Peter Pace school of military diplomacy:

Jersey City resident Corey Andrew, like thousands of other job seekers, recently posted his profile on a popular career-based web site, hoping to nab some work as a copywriter. The posting on CareerBuilder.com brought several potential suitors, including an Army recruiter who replied in late February.

Using a military email address, U.S. Army recruiter Sgt. Marcia Ramode fired off an email in capital letters that ” IF YOU ARE GAY WE DON’T TAKE YOU. YOU ARE CONSIDERED UNQUALIFIED.”

After more prodding from Andrew on the Army’s recruitment policy, the messages escalated into a bigoted tirade. For example, Ramode told Andrew that “being gay is disgusting and immoral.”

In a separate email, Ramode wrote, “You must be a total idiot and so stupid to presume that you do not know what gender you are.” Ramode added that Andrew should be more grateful to the military for defending his freedoms, but that as a gay man “he should leave the United States.”

The insults were not only flying one way, as Andrew criticized her vocabulary and poor spelling and, after finding out she was a Native American, wrote:
“So take that to your next rain dance.”

Andrew, who is black, criticized Ramode’s word choices and poor spelling. In response, the apparently enraged sergeant said in graphic language that Andrew should “GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE AND JUMP AROUND AND PRANCE AND RUN ALL OVER THE PLACE HALF NAKED THERE.” — NJ.com

(No comment from the author or the military as yet, but, as always, readers of this post are encouraged to do so.)

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Poop on a Stoop, or, No Shit

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:18 am

Guido’s place of business is in a one-story building that many years ago was a motel on US-1 in Hollyweird. Yesterday, for the second time this week, she arrived to discover a pile of human feces in front of the door.

The first pile had evidently been there through the weekend. It required a paint scraper to get it all off, followed by intenseimproper_pooping.jpg scrubbing. Yesterday’s deposit was somewhat fresher, which created its own set of problems.

At my suggestion, she calls police (non-emergency number) to let them know there’s a drive-by defecator in the neighborhood. Amazingly, a police officer shows up to ask some questions and look around.

“Are you certain it was human excrement?” he asks.

Guido has had cats and dogs her whole life, as well as the occasional rabbit, parakeet, fish, hamster, guinea pig, turtle, and frog. She has cleaned up after raccoons, possums, buffo toads, squirrels, horse, deer, and of course, Muscovy ducks. In other words, she knows her shit, and this was no toad load. Besides, there were beshitted paper towels — and even smart dogs don’t wipe their own butts.

The officer observes that between the tall hedges and off-street setting, the step afforded just enough privacy for somebody to get comfortable, although the light was probably insufficient for reading. So while it wasn’t a long and relaxing squat, it was probably, um, “thorough.”

Guido agrees about its being “thorough.”

There’s a homeless shelter a block away. The policeman says he’ll speak to the proprietor, as well as alert the Homeless Affairs officer who works with the local population. He also promises to make the location a more prominent patrol point on the beat. He also invites her to stay in touch, and makes sure she has his contact information. And he double checks to make sure she’s washed her hands.

Thoroughly,” says Guido, savoring the irony.

Not bad. I mean, what can you do besides catching him mid-dump? Ugh.

But when Guido relays the story, I get an idea about a sign, reproduced here (courtesy of street-people.com). Tomorrow she places it on the front step, at the scene of the crime. We figure there’s a 30% chance the Unknown Evacuator will misconstrue the sign to mean, “Shit Here,” but then, as Guido pointed out, at least clean-up will be a little easier.

Stay tuned for the next episode.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Culture Bores

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 12:05 am

This contemporary infatuation with “respecting another’s culture” continues to lead us down some strange and twisting paths. It seems there’s a line to be drawn somewhere, yes?

Last week, New Mexico Governor (and Democratic presidential hopeful) Bill Richardson signed a bill outlawing cockfighting, noting that the deliberate killing animals for entertainment is cruel, barbaric, and senseless. Nevertheless, “[c]ockfighting fans….defend cockfighting as a family activity and said opponents were meddling.” —USA Today

A “family activity.” A cultural icon; hallowed tradition practiced by generations, similar to men raping their sisters and daughters in West Virginia. Just another way to use one’s cock, I suppose.

It’s not just a tortured American liberals’ issue, either, a rack on which the politically correct alternately stretch themselves and common sense.

A German judge has stirred a storm of protest by citing the Koran in turning down a German Muslim woman’s request for a speedy divorce on the ground that her husband beat her.

In a ruling that underlines the tension between Muslim customs and European laws, the judge…noted that the couple came from a Moroccan cultural milieu, in which it is common for husbands to beat their wives. The Koran, she wrote in her decision, sanctions such physical abuse.

“In this cultural background,” she wrote, “it is not unusual that the husband uses physical punishment against the wife.” — NY Times

All she was doing, it seems, is demonstrating a little cultural understanding and respect for others’ long-held beliefs and practices. And her reward?

A German court on Wednesday upheld a complaint against a judge who refused to allow a Moroccan-born German woman to file for divorce, on the grounds that the Koran permits wife beating. — dw-world.de

“When the Koran is put above the German Constitution, I can only say, ‘Good night, Germany,’ ” Ronald Pofalla, general secretary of the Christian Democratic Union, said in the mass-market newspaper Bild. — NY Times (op cit)

These Germans! No sense of humor!

cockfight.jpgI don’t pretend to have a solution — it’s ‘way above my pay scale — but while I’m thoroughly enjoying the show, there are some very unhappy people out there whose complaints demand attention. Meanwhile, we’re far from a resolution: seem we don’t even agree on a logical and moral framework by which to cobble together a satisfactory approach.

One certainty emerges: insofar as these ARE, at bottom, issues of morality, justice, and the basic building-blocks of civilization, appeals to somebody’s god or religion only gums up the works, which makes your garden variety American chancel-prancers less than worthless. You know the ones I mean.

In any event, we recognize some progress, anyway: as of last week, roosters in New Mexico have a better chance of crowing at dawn.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

“Dropped Handbags”

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 1:47 pm

Is it the return of the Wind in the Willows?

A pub regular has been barred from his favourite Dunfermline boozer – for indiscriminate wind breaking.

Management at the bar say Stewart Laidlaw “revels” in his bouts of flatulence and other punters have almost been sick after exposure to the foul smells.

Mr Laidlaw (35), who is furious at the ban by Thirsty Kirsty’s, is thought to be the first person in West Fife to be barred for breaking wind.

The James Street pub’s owner says the stench has become unbearable since Scotland’s smoking ban came in last year but suspects drinkers could have been breathing in the waft for years before without noticing it. — Dumferline Press

Oh, please read the whole thing. I laughed ’til I cried; there’s so many straight lines to pick up on.

Know When To Hold ‘Em

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:18 am

Two Harvard University seniors, resisting what they characterize as “too much mindless sex at the Ivy League school,” founded a student group called “True Love Revolution” to promote abstinence on campus.

True Love Revolution members say the problem starts with the university. They say Harvard has implicitly led students to believe that having sex at college is a foregone conclusion by requiring incoming freshman to attend a seminar on date-rape that does not mention abstinence, by placing condoms in freshmen dorms, and by hosting racy lecturers.

Dr. David Rosenthal, director of Harvard health services, disputed the notion that the university promotes sex. The National College Health Assessment Survey, which included Harvard and hundreds of other campuses, found that about 29 percent of students reported not having sex in the past school year. For the 71 percent who are having sex, it is crucial to promote safety, Rosenthal said. — Miami Hurled

Yeah yeah, Go back. What’s “mindless sex?” And how does one have “too much of it?”

I distinctly remember my college days, back in the late 18th century, when I arose each morning in my self-fashioned personal pup tent, unstuck myself from the sheets, and wandered around weak-kneed, completely and irreversibly consumed by lust. Sex is the ONLY thing I thought about ( and never got enough of ) and I was typical. This hasn’t entirely ebbed, either. I’d say more, but sometimes Guido reads this blog.

Groucho.jpg“Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?” — Groucho, in HorseFeathers. Three cheers for the Campus Widow!

There needs to be more sex, not less, especially among college-age people and especially on college campuses. If universities, including Harvard, aren’t promoting it, they’re shirking their moral responsibility. I say close down the athletic departments — talk about “mindless!” “March Madness” my purple-veined shaft! — and initiate intramural sex. Come one come all.

sexoncampus.jpg(Manola, I think I strayed into your territory.)

Abstinence is such a poor, wrong-headed notion for young people it gives me hives. You have exactly one chance in life to enjoy your youth, when all the parts work effortlessly, when physical beauty is the default mode, and when endless opportunities appear unbounded and uncomplicated. As the poet said:

“The seas will dry up all too soon/Set sail full steam ahead!”

Learned that one on campus, but, with the little head hogging all the blood, I can’t remember whose line it is.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Everybody’s Got a Hungry Heart

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 1:20 pm

Between my own technical incompetence and the hectic events of the weekend, it’s been murder getting anything posted. And there’s so much happening, too. For example, Mr. Schwinkle sent this my way:

A Brazilian housewife has been sentenced to 19 years in prison for killing her husband, chopping his body into small pieces and cooking it.

Authorities said Rosanita Nery dos Santos, 52, drugged her husband, Jose Raimundo Soares dos Santos, and then stabbed him to death. Police said the husband’s body was then hacked into more than 100 pieces, boiled, fried and hidden in plastic bags beneath a staircase.

[Officials] said the woman may have also been avenging “years of humiliation from her husband.” Santos denied killing her husband but said she chopped up his body.

A police spokesman said the woman claimed masked assailants entered her house, killed her husband and then forced her to cut up the body and fry it because that would “prevent the stench of a decomposing body from alerting neighbors.” Local10.com

Well, something stinks alright.

Cooking and eating loved ones, as opposed to complete strangers and/or their house pets, enjoys a long tradition. The Jamestown Project, a new book on Jamestown, VA, Cannibals.23232.jpgwhich was the first English settlement in the US (not those tight-sphinctered Pilgrims, the Massholes of Plymouth Rock), details a situation so grim that one desperate settler devoured his own pregnant wife — not sure if he killed her for this specific purpose or simply embraced the gourmet opportunity. Asked about it later, he remarked, “Tastes like chicken,” of course.

It isn’t at all clear that Mrs. Dos Santos had culinary designs on her spouse, even if she did deploy freeze-dry techniques and sensible, one-meal sized portions in his disposal. Has she been approached for an endorsement by Baggies yet?

In any event, we shouldn’t be shocked by any of this; quite the contrary, we should recognize cannibalism as a cultural practice deserving of respect. I envision a government-sanctioned program of sensitivity training for its front-line employees addressing the subject. No doubt some aspiring Democratic presidential candidate will recognzie cannibals as a legitimate minority victimized by discriminatory prejudice.

And I’m sure that within our own local blogoshere, compassionate support for cannibalistically challenged persons will be available soon.

The Mind Is a Beautiful Thing to Waste

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:23 am

Hey, look. Tough weekend and I’ll get something up here soon but meanwhile, the following quote is from a Frank Rich column in the NY Times a few weeks ago but I can’t quite cleanse it from my mind….can you help me?

Later.

March 18, 2003 Barbara Bush tells Diane Sawyer on ABC’s ”Good Morning America” that she will not watch televised coverage of the war: ”Why should we hear about body bags and deaths, and how many, what day it’s going to happen, and how many this or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it’s, it’s not relevant. So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?” — NY Times

Friday, March 23, 2007

Want Flies With That?

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain,Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:28 am

Last week’s post about pizza inspired 20 comments so far, including a few that took issue with my contention that there’s a “special place in hell” for anybody eating, let alone putting, pineapple on a crust and daring to call it “pizza.”

What kind of sick-o performs this act of desecration? Here’s your answer:

pizza_tattoo.preview.jpgNorth Wales, UK — A man has had a slice of ham and pineapple pizza tattooed on his head. The slice was inked right across the back of Colin Helsby’s head, with the crust behind one ear and the tip behind the other.

The 45-year-old had the tattoo to raise cash for a cystic fibrosis charity and to celebrate the opening of his new business – a takeaway pizza shop!

The tattoo took three hours to complete and features three types of ham, chunks of pineapple and long strands of cheese dripping down Mr Helsby’s neck. He said: “I’m really pleased with it, and I’ll keep my head shaved at the back for a few weeks to show it off.” — bbc.co.uk

I rest my case.

Speaking of twisted and perverted (something that happens quite a bit around here), remember Sr. Trenta and Mike McPhail, alleged dog fuckers? Looks like they have company:

Superior, WI — A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

Hathaway’s probation will be served at the same time as a nine-month jail sentence he received in February for violating his extended supervision. He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. — South Florida Sun-Sentinel

It also appears that the Necrobeastiality Club has a new member (pardon the pun).

To complicate matters, it appears that the deer was male, making Hathaway ineligible for military service. “We had already processed his enlistment papers, and were ready to overlook the felony horse incident,” reported General Peter Pace. “But now that we know he’s gay, that’s the end of that!”

Think Pizza Rustica will bring out “The Hathaway,” a special venison pizza?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

To Pee……or Not To Pee

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:21 am

One of the joys of owning a fully operational penis is, well, fully operating it. However, there is the occasional backsplash…..

Muncie, IN — An eighth-grader faces expulsion after admitting he put urine in a teacher’s coffee pot, officials said.

The Wilson Middle School teacher noticed that the coffee had an unusual odor Friday and reported it to the principal, Muncie Community Schools officials said. A student who overheard classmates discussing it also reported the incident to officials. Urine was found in the locker of the eighth-grade boy, who admitted to putting some in the coffee, authorities said.

The eighth-grader has been suspended pending a recommendation for expulsion —Local6.com

phallic_symbol.jpg

Probably a wager between other teachers that went wrong. Somebody bet that the cafeteria coffee was so rank it was indistinguishable from hot tinkle, so they found the school idiot and bribed him to concoct a Yellow Mickey. Happens all the time.

Meanwhile, with all the air traffic problems this week, here’s a touching tale:

Salt Lake City, UT — SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn’t allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.

James Whipple said he had two “really big beers” at the Boise, Idaho airport. While on a flight to Salt Lake City on March 7 he wanted to use the cabin restroom. The captain had declared it off-limits during the short flight because a light wasn’t working.

Whipple said he had used the cabin restroom before the plane departed but had to go again and finally reached for the air-sickness bag.

“It was like I had no choice,” Whipple told The Salt Lake Tribune, which posted the story on its Web site Friday. — South FL Sun-Sentinel

cactus.jpgYa gotta go ya gotta go. Plain and simple. Could’ve been a whole lot worse: suppose he tried to open a window? When I was a kid I did that myself from a moving car and soaked Grandpa in the back seat. Fortunately, he had Alzheimers at the time and was incontinent anyway. Aah the memories.

But then there’s Extreme Sports:

Allentown, PA — It’s illegal to walk into a department store, grab women’s clothing and other merchandise, masturbate on it all and then leave. It might just be dumb to go back afterward. That’s how police ended up finding and charging 20-year-old Joseph Eric Renno with open lewdness last week.

Renno, was spotted taking magazines and clothes into a dressing room at the Wal-Mart off Route 309 in Richland Township on March 1. The store’s loss prevention officer suspected he might be trying to steal things when he walked out of the dressing room a bit later without the merchandise.

She went to check the dressing room and found the magazines and a man’s shirt, plus panties and a bra. She also found a thick substance she believed to be semen on the items and the dressing room mirror. The merchandise, valued at $36, was destroyed except for the shirt, which police kept as evidence.

Another Wal-Mart employee told police the man frequented the store; she knew him as ”Eric.” Employees promised to call police if the man returned.
He did last Friday.

Police went to the Wal-Mart when employees called, found Renno and took him to headquarters for questioning. He admitted masturbating on the mirror and the merchandise, police said. In addition to open lewdness, Renno is charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. — mcall.com

Gives whole new meaning to “Five-Finger Discount.” Wonder if he was fingerprinted at headquarters?

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