"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Games People Play

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain,Etherea — Steve @ 12:37 am

Morgan Wilkins, the intern hired by the College Republicans National Committee to win the hearts and minds of Michigan 20-somethings, is planning events that some may find odd. To others, they may be offensive.

One such idea is “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Day,” in which a volunteer would play the part of an illegal immigrant and hide somewhere on campus while others try to find him. The winner would receive a prize.

Her other ideas include an event called “Fun with Guns,” in which young Republicans would use a BB gun or paintball gun to shoot cardboard cut-outs of Democratic leaders such as Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) — Michigan Daily

Ha ha! Who says Republicans have no sense of humor? Hunting down illegals, shooting prominent Democrats, can lynching Blacks be far behind? Why not round up the Japanese and send ‘em to camps? How about breaking windows of stores owned by Jews? In fact, let’s burn some witches!

Young Americans for Freedom (YAF), a campus-based group of conservatives, defended the games. “It’s all about generating discussion and getting people to question political and cultural orthodoxies,” one student said. “Why does a mob hunting people down or shooting politicians automatically equate with hatred?”

Variations of the game BATS.JPGhave been played on campuses in Michigan, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, Texas, and of course, Florida.

“College students are under a lot of pressure,” one dean told me. “This lets off some steam. In the old days, they might have stuffed telephone booths, swallowed goldfish, or just got drunk. It’s all very harmless, really.”

How about reading a book, seeing a play, or getting laid?

“That’s what you do on your planet? This is Florida. Nobody reads unless they have to, and sex is dangerous any more, what with all the illegals we have wandering the campus.”

In a related development, descendants of former Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC), learning that their ancestors had owned slaves directly related to Rev Al Sharpton, demanded the return of their family property along with interest payments. “That boy’s gonna get a good whippin’ when we get his ass back, too,” promised an attorney for the family.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Did He Fire Back?

Filed under: What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:46 pm

A suicide bomber attacked the entrance to the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, killing up to 23 people and wounding 20.

Cheney was unhurt in the attack, which was claimed by the Taliban and was the closest that militants have come to a top U.S. official visiting Afghanistan…..Cheney said the attackers were trying “to find ways to question the authority of the central government.”

The Taliban said Cheney was the target. — philly.com

Don’t Let the Tangerine Tree Smack You in the Ass on the Way Out

Filed under: And They're Off — Steve @ 12:14 am

Here’s some encouraging news:

For the first time since the Depression, more Americans ages 75 and older have been leaving the South than moving there, according to a New York Times analysis of Census Bureau data.

The reversal appears to be driven in part by older people who retired to the South in their 60s, but decided to return home to their children and grandchildren in the Northeast, Midwest and West after losing spouses or becoming less mobile.

“As the numbers increase of people in their early to mid-60s that move from the North to the South, we would also expect the numbers of people 75 and older that move from the South to the North to subsequently increase as well,” said Grant I. Thrall, a geography professor at the University of Florida in Gainesville. — NY Times

Old farts linger, alright, but maybe there’s hope. The fewer who arrive, the less saturated we become with bad drivers, cranky diners, terminally slow counter service, sickly people, and the unmitigated horror of hideous decomposing seniors in various states of decrepitude everywhere you look.

Ask them and they insist not only was everything better where they came from, but they never really wanted to come here anyway. They “hate the humidity” and “miss the change of seasons.” They “despise the restaurants.” They “resent the teeming crowds” and their “cramped, charmless condo.” Best skull-front.jpgof all, they complain about “rude people!” Seniors from hell bitch about “rude people!” Turns out it was their kids’ idea to unload ’em, and it’s easy to see why.

It seems they hate each other, too, so they’re finally leaving before they rot completely to the core. Sell the car they never learned to drive, the condo they never learned to love. Leave behind the garish varicose-vein revealing shorts and brainless short-brimmed beanies. Choke down your very last early bird special — hey, the salt shakers stay here, remember?

They’re off to become absorbed into the dimly recollected past they thought they’d put behind. Home to haunt back alleys of cities that forgot them; to people with no connection to them, to families who don’t want them closely standing by. Back where a long dirt nap in a deep cold grave will provide their only welcome, arms outstretched like old true friends.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Balls

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:11 am

I’m not gonna dignify ‘em by providing citations, but there’sballs.jpg been some truly ungrateful and deprecating remarks about the ACLU on teh local internets, and those of us blessed with a full package aren’t pleased: it’s bad enough that the limp-wristed liberal establishment beats up on us, I really don’t want to hear Spanglish whining, too.

So, as yet another example of how the ACLU is on the side of freedom, justice, and the American fucking way:

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Fake bull testicles and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations would be banned from Maryland roads under a bill pending in the state legislature.

The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washington, who says children shouldn’t be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500.

“It’s time to take a stand,” Myers told The (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail.

The American Civil Liberties Union objected to Myers’ bill. — Local 6

Of course the extravagantly testicular ACLU would object: this gets them where they live. Only the ACLU has the raw balls to take on such diverse forces as reactionary right, politically correct left, Christians, Muslims, communists, congressmen, etc. Hanging balls from your rear bumper is constitutionally protected speech. It’s who they are. What it’s all about. God fucking damn it.

(The concept is completely alien in south Florida. We accept that going into the discussion. Right?)

Personally, I wouldn’t hang plastic bull testicles from my car bumper. It’s Janet Reno’s or nobody’s, know what I mean? Or maybe Condi Rice. But this is a mater of taste, god forgive the pun, and taste is one of those many areas the goddam government needs to steer clear of.

Fuck off, Maryland! Let the Free State drivers hang plastic balls from their bumpers if that’s what primes their pumps! Besides, elsewhere across the fruited plain, they’re not “balls,” they’re “Rocky Mountain oysters.” Have some regional respect.

Where are you, CheersVictoria?

Friday, February 23, 2007

Face It

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality,What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:31 am

Good jokes are tough to come by. Sample a vintage 1998 from presidential contender Senator John McCain:

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: Because her father is Janet Reno.
(reported in www.salon.com)

This one came back to me when I encountered this charming tale from the animal world:

Over the past decade, a form of cancer has killed almost three out of four Tasmanian devils, the world’s largest marsupial carnivore and inspiration for the cartoon character Taz.

Animals with the disease develop tumors on their heads and in their mouths, making it difficult for them to eat. Most animals die within months of the lesions appearing, often from starvation.

Hamish McCallum, chief scientist of the Devil Facial Tumor Program, says they suspect that the disease is spread when cancer cells are passed between animals, usually by biting. “The best hypothesis is that it is transmitted as part of biting, and most of the biting happens at the time of mating,” he said. International Herald Tribune

Tasmanian-devil.jpgEven if you’re a vicious-looking marsupial, enduring a face-devouring virus doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. Yet my first thought was the Chelsea joke (and my second was, Maybe we found Mary Cheney’s sperm donor. Has she been checked for facial bites?).

Vicious looking beasts tormented by gross disfiguring forces beyond their control while the world looks on, largely impassive. Not a pleasant commentary. And evidently it’s just as bad in the animal world, too.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

More On Articulationism

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 2:29 pm

Washington.jpgToday is George W’s actual birthday. That’s George Washington, not the current occupant of the White House.

Iin memory of the President who reputedly uttered the words, “I cannot tell a lie,” I offer the following comment by Theodore Wells, “Scooter” Libby’s defense counsel, during his summation:

“If it turned out that what he said was wrong that doesn’t mean he is a liar,” Mr. Wells told the jury. “It means he may have misrecollected what happened.” — NY Times

“Misrecollected.” Another member of the articulationarily challenged class. Let’s raise some money to them all to Mime School.

Serbing No Purpose

Filed under: What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 8:49 am

The village of Medja, on the [Serbian] border with Romania, plans to build a monument to Johnny Weissmuller, the best-known film Tarzan. Mr. Weissmuller, who won five Olympic gold medals in swimming, was born in Medja in 1904. He died in 1984. Residents said they were inspired by a decision this week by another Serbian village, Zitiste, to erect a statue of Sylvester Stallone’s film boxer Rocky Balboa to rid itself of bad luck. — NY Times

I wonder if anybody bothered to ask the Zitistians if building the Rocky statue actually worked: did it banish bad luck? Seems to me, an admittedly biased ethnic Hungarian, that just being born Serbian is bad luck in and of itself.

And as a native Philadelphian, where a Rocky statue has prevailed outside the Museum of Art for quite a few years, I can assure you that bad luck runs thick and deep as rockystatue.jpgcheesesteak grease on South Philly streets. Ask any unfortunate Philadelphia sports fan. They’d have better luck with Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

The Tarzan statue’s builders were warned by MGM, the American media company that owns the rights to all things Tarzanoid (movies, teevee show, leopard skin underpants, the words “Timba Hungawa!”, etc.) that the statue probably violated every copyright law on the planet, but the city’s fathers frankly don’t give a shit. “What can they do, sue us?” asked Mayor Gotno Potopissin. “For what? Rubble? Spent artillery shells? Our hideous women’s first born?”

Nor can they read very well. Turns out the plaque planned for the statue, when translated, reads:

“Tarzan swings and Tarzan falls
And Tarzan cracks his mighty balls.”

Next up: the Central African Republic announced plans to build a statue of Mighty Joe Young. Former Panamanian President Manuel Noriega has agreed to model in return for their offer of political asylum.

P.S. “Timba Hungawa” means “Elephant go!” There is no political connotation.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

2 – 4 – 6 – 8 Ar-ti-cu-late!

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 1:00 pm

Last week one of Hillary Clinton’s prominent black supporters, State Senator Robert Ford of South Carolina, expressed the opinion that nominating Mr. Obama would be a disaster.

“Every Democrat running on that ticket next year would lose because he’s black and he’s top of the ticket,” said Mr. Ford.

The remark caused a sensation. Mr. Ford apologized. — NY Times

footmouth.gif“I guess I need some assistance with my articulationary skills,” he offered.

Asked to comment, Senator Joe Biden’s aides stuffed enough sweatsocks into his mouth to choke him, then spirited him away from reporters. “Let somebody else step on his own dick for a change,” growled one.

Say It With Blades (a Valentine’s Day Epilogue)

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:58 am

Wish I’d spotted this one a week ago. I post it now with the fondest hope that it inspires further discussion between Hollywood Hal and Mumblety Peg, who met one another last week on this very blog…..

Tempe, AZ [P]olice arrested a woman Tuesday night on suspicion that she tied up a man during sex, then stabbed him repeatedly with a knife and told him she likes to drink blood.

The man told police he had consented to being tied up but became scared when the woman attacked him with a knife. He eventually freed himself and ran away, but Sutton chased him with a pickax, police said.

Both admitted to authorities that they had consumed alcohol and drugs prior to the attack, Horn said……Sutton later told police the entire encounter was consensual. — East Valley Tribune

Christ on a bike. I call my contact in this line of work, Mistress XXX, for an expert’s insights.

“Amateurs,” she sneers. “Clowns like this give people like me a bad name.”

I actually wasn’t aware you enjoyed a good name, Mistress.

“Believe it, squathole. When clients come calling they know what they’re in for, and they pay me my price. I hurt them enough to satisfy what they want, but make sure it’s not so tough they don’t come back.”

Gotta keep the repeat customers repeating, I guess.

“That’s how you build a business, whether it’s plugging butts or unplugging drains.”

Ever work knives into your act?

“Trade secret, nutface. Blood sports are messy, but they have their place. Don’t need knives, either. Ever see what a rhinoceros hide whip does to bare flesh?”

Uh, no. Pass.

“Never ever ever put yourself in a position of vulnerability with somebody you don’t rosethorn(1).jpgknow real well. He’s lucky he’s still got all his moving parts.”

Did you have a busy Valentine’s Day?

“Three cops, one judge, a school teacher, and a respiratory therapist with an asphyxiation fetish. God I hope I never pass out and find that deviant standing over me.”

Anybody bring you red roses?

“Oh, fuck the roses! Give me the thorns!”

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Vamos to Scrotum

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 12:18 am

On the very first page of a Susan Patron’s children’s book, “The Higher Power of Lucky,” the 10-year old heroine hears another book character say he saw a rattlesnake bite his dog, Roy, on the scrotum. The book, a winner of the Newbery Medal, considered the most prestigious award in children’s literature, uses the word “scrotum.”

“Scrotum sounded to Lucky like something green that comes up when you have the flu and cough too much,” the book continues. “It sounded medical and secret, but also important.” NY Times

Whoa! Hell hath broken loothe.

Librarians all over the country, including several here in the nation’s dicktip, have refused to stock the book. “It’s obscene, it’s gross, and it’s entirely inappropriate for children,” sputtered Agatha Spoonbuttle, of Gadsden County. “In fact, it’s entirely inapproprScrotumScrub.jpgiate for anybody!”

The author disagrees. A librarian in Los Angeles, Ms Patron actually describes the word as delicious. “The sound of the word to Lucky is so evocative,” she said. “It’s one of those words that’s so interesting because of the sound of the word.”

I’m with Ms. Patron on this: scrotums — scrota? — are delicious. Unfortunately for us, the rattlesnake agrees as well. Not the best ally. Remember the nasty little incident in Genesis?

Speaking of Genesis, the children’s book presents no problem in Florida’s Dixie County. “Ain’t got no books here but the Good Book,” a clerk in Town Hall tells me. “Don’t need nothin’ else, neither.”

Does the Good Book say anything about the scrotum?

“Maybe in the Old Testament — I think the ancient Hebrews used to cut ’em off or something,” she says. “Believe it was called circumscription, or something like that. I wouldn’t know. I’m a Christian, myself.”

Jumping butterballs. What would Jesus do?

“I don’t see a problem locally,” observed Elian Gusano, a Miami-Dade school librarian. “It’d be different if the snake and the dog lived in Cuba, of course, because then they’d be communist snakes and dogs, and making it sound as though communist snakes biting communist dogs in the scrotums — or is it scrotii? — was just like anywhere else, or in a democracy, would be terribly misleading. There’d be rallies, bombings, lawsuits, the works.”

Just like the old days, eh? All over a word.

“Not just a word! It’s (gasp) the children!”

Yes, Elian. Isn’t it always?

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