"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Old Glory Hole

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:37 am

While Donald Trump and Palm Beach square off in Federal Court over his refusal to trim his flag to conform with City Code, another flag controversy brews in Gainesville. Seems a display of international flags in front of the high school has upset some city residents.

“The flags were put up with the intention of celebrating the diversity and unity of our community, but we’ve got some indication that they should be moved inside,” school board chair Lee Highsmith said. “Lately there has been a lot of heated discussions about immigration and illegal immigration in the community, and we don’t want the Avenue of Flags to be a place where people have a demonstration. We don’t want to create a situation where some outside group may use the Avenue of Flags for their own political purpose.”

She said it likely will be moved to the school’s cafeteria. — Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Ms. Highsmith doesn’t want to talk to me about it when I call, but she directs her aide to give me the phone number of Redland Gneck, the local resident who first raised objections to the display. Red is very happy to talk.

redneck.jpg“Damn right them flags hadda go,” he fumes. “Only one flag them kids need to know ‘bout, and that’s Old Glory. This is America, remember? One God, one language, one flag. Don’t need no mixed message in THIS town!”

E Pleuirsy boomin’ right?

“Yeah, whatever. Bad enough we got bunches o’ illegal Meskin immy-grints can’t talk American in that school, now we gonna let ‘em salute their dirty flags on the way in every day? Some of them flags are comminist, d’ya know that?”

Like France? And New Jersey?

“I dunno what in Sam Hill this country’s comin’ to,” he goes on. And on. And fucking on. “Smart-ass teachers tellin’ our kids they don’t hafta salute the flag, can’t praise the Load, but they gotta treat furrners who ain’t got no bizness bein’ here in the first place like they’re just as good as we are! If they’re so damn good how come they snuck over here to start with?”

You got me there, Red. Maybe for the cultural opportunities and friendly folks you find in a rural Southern town?

“Furrn flags, furrn language, stupid-ass kids don’t even know how to play real football — they wanna kick it alla time! When I was growin up and gone to school, damn betcha I never had to deal with this!”

Why, I bet the school library has history books about other countries, too.

“Damnation! Ya think? I never…….hey, thanks, I gotta look inta this!” Off he gallops.

It’s times like this I entertain the belief that maybe Darwin had it wrong.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Money of Color

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 12:57 am

Here’s one that should roil the waters of affirmative action, civil rights, immigration policy, and maybe even Tanorexics Anonymous:

Light-skinned immigrants in the United States make more money on average than those with darker complexions, and the chief reason appears to be discrimination, a researcher says.

The scholar, Joni Hersch, a professor of law and economics at Vanderbilt University, looked at a government survey of 2,084 legal immigrants to the United States from around the world and found that those with the lightest skin earned an average of 8 percent to 15 percent more than similar immigrants with much darker skin. “On average,” Dr. Hersch said, “being one shade lighter has about the same effect as having an additional year of education.” — NY Times via AP

The study determined that even in the case of individuals of identical race and ethnicity, lighter-skinned persons averaged higher salaries. Does this suggest that instead of earning advanced degrees, immigrants should buy skin bleachers? Does this have serious implications for the long and storied tradition of racist talk and conduct? I call Biff Stake, the only Aryan Rights activist I know.

“A darky’s a darky,” he says bluntly. “Don’t matter if he’s pale as Casper’s ass, he’s born inferior to white people.”

color of money.jpgEvidently Biff’s a purist, unswayed by information.

“This light-skin dark-skin business is nothin’ new. Aincha never heard of hi-yellas? There’s Negro churches all through the south had varnished pine boards hangin’ in the narthex — you any darker than that board, you weren’t welcome to worship.”

What this study suggests is that race isn’t the issue underlying discrimination. If anything, the problem should be recast as “pigmentism.”

“Who you callin’ a pig? Look, this is real simple. The blacker you are, the worse off you are. Who don’t know that? It ain’t like beer, where black Guinness costs more than the brown Bass and pale Murphy’s.”

Biff, you’re missing the point.

“No YOU and your pointy-heads miss the point. Don’t matter who it is, the more white in him he’s got, the more superior he thinks he is. It’s true of them Spanish darkies too: they all wanna be Spaniards, not Puerto Ricans or Mexicans. The Jamaicans and the Bahamians like to call themselves English, not African or Injun. Jews wanna be Yerpians, not A-rabs. You’re trying to say it don’t matter where you’re from or what’s in your blood, only the surface counts. You’re half right. The darker you are, the worse off you are, but no matter how light you are, if you’re a darky, you’re inferior. So naturally you get paid less.”

Wow, Biff, as a racist, you’re ahead of your time.

“Hey, honky, go look in the mirror. You got the darkest tan of anybody in your profession — you makin’ as much money as they are?”

I hang up. Son of a bitch hit a nerve.

The study also found that taller immigrants earned more than shorter ones, with an extra inch of height associated with a 1 percent increase in income. Very bad news for bridge trolls, and a double-whammy for pygmies. We’ll get back to that another time.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Sweet Jane

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 8:59 am

In case you missed it, there was a huge protest rally in Washington on Saturday, organized by the group United for Peace and Justice, a coalition of 1,400 local and national organizations. Among the speakers: Jane Fonda.

Noting that this is the first time in 34 years she’s addressed a peace rally, Fonda told the crowd, ”Silence is no longer an option,” The actress once derided as ”Hanoi Jane” by conservatives for her stance on Vietnam said she had held back from activism so as not to be a distraction for the Iraq anti-war movement, but needed to speak out now. — NY Times/ AP

No she didn’t.

In fact, the absolute last thing the anti-war movement needs is the prominent re-emergence of sacrosanct, irrepressibly ignorant airhead moonbats whose every word barbarella-06.jpgdrives prospective allies into the arms of the opposition. ‘Way back when, Hanoi Jane’s stance against the war in Vietnam was as precisely right as her methods of protest were exactly wrong. Her antics in Hanoi were rebarbative, her statements repulsive, and her impact inflammatory. She did far more harm than good on behalf of the cause she embraced.

The best thing she ever did was disappear. Alas, she rises, Phoenix-like, to shit in the path of the new parade. Barbarella Rides Again.

Part of me suspects that she’s on the take, lured from her cave by Carl Rove’s agents to undermine the moral authority of the anti-war protesters. “Our ratings are in the toilet,” Rove moans. “And now we have a goddam peace protest in the streets. The only thing that could save us now is some gigantic distraction, like Jane Fonda climbing up on her hind legs under a klieg light. But what are the chances of something that miraculous happening?”

I’d say about 100%, Carl. Of course, that’s Monday morning quarterbacking.

Is she oblivious to her own anathema? Does she fail to grasp the impact of the curse summoned by her mere presence? Or, as is the case of so many hollow-headed, photogenic show business poltroons, has she simply placed her personality up for sale to the highest bidder? Certainly status as a prostitute would be nothing new, and nowhere near as bad as the reputation she earned with her photo straddling a Vietcong ordnance many years ago.

No, no plot, no evil genius at work. Just a bloated ego, an aging, tone deaf has-been, an arrogant elitist out of touch with the world which she only occasionally visits to sightsee or buy sandals and incense. Tell your children to pay no attention: eye contact may turn them to stone.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Herd Ewe Are Gay

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 10:08 am

Dr. Roselli, a researcher at the Oregon Health and Science University, has searched for the past five years for physiological factors that might explain why about 8 percent of rams seek sex exclusively with other rams instead of ewes. The goal, he says, is to understand the fundamental mechanisms of sexual orientation in sheep. Other researchers might some day build on his findings to seek ways to determine which rams are likeliest to breed, he said.

But since last fall, when People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals started a campaign against the research, it has drawn a torrent of outrage from animal rights activists, gay advocates and ordinary citizens around the world — all of it based, Dr. Roselli and colleagues say, on a bizarre misinterpretation of what the work is about.

The news media storm reached its zenith last month, when The Sunday Times in London published an article under the headline “Science Told: Hands Off Gay Sheep.” It asserted, incorrectly, that Dr. Roselli had worked successfully to “cure” homosexual rams with hormone treatments, and added that “critics fear” that the research “could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans.” — NY Times

There are so many jokes and inneuendos here I don’t know where to start, so I won’t. You can write them in all day, if you like.

What caught my eye, though, is the statistic in the first sentence: 8% of rams are gay. I’d say that number was low if we’re talking about the St Louis Rams (not to single out that team: I believe the estimate is 20-25% of professional football players are gay), but the 4-legged variety?

It might just be that the competition is a little stiff, pardon the pun. With all the kids and perverts and just plain lonely guys running around, maybe the females are all occupied. At least the pretty ones. And a bad case of boll weevil infection, or whatever you might get from humping a ewe, isn’t as bad as AIDS. Or maybe, especially in Flori-duh, a certain percentage of the rural population misunderstands when people tell them “Fuck Ewe!”

sheep.jpgNow if some ram gets rammy with another rammy ram, let’s do like the Muslims: Say “Happy Ram-it-in!” and be on our merry way. That’s not a universal sentiment. Plenty of people find homosexuality impossible to embrace as acceptable behavior, let alone scientific fact. If rams do it, and sea gulls do it, and (as it turns out) plenty of other species in nature do it, what happens to the argument, theological or otherwise, that it’s “an unnatural act” or “an abomination” or “a lifestyle choice?”

I suspect most males, choosing at gunpoint between fucking a sheep or fucking another man, would opt for the bullet. Of course, I’ve never spent any quality time on the farm, in prison, or among Boy Scouts. Half a century ago, Dr. Alfred Kinsey pointed out that most Americans are at most no more than an arm’s length away from a willing sex partner. So, even if ewe can’t always get what you want…….

Even assuming the worst — that Roselli is on a quest to breed homosexuality out of animals or humans — hasn’t he lost the argument before it even starts? You can’t “breed out” what isn’t there from nature already. Homosexuality is a perfectly natural characteristic, which, like left-handedness or blue eyes, occurs in a minority of cases. Why would you want to eliminate any of them? Fun? Jesus told you to? You hate interior decorators and the Secretary of State?

Well, if it’s just a matter of taste, make mine lamb chops.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Megaphone to Throw

Filed under: Etherea,News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:42 pm

joust.jpgAlthough the issue has died down somewhat by now, the rumblette in Little Havana the other day between the exile group Vigilia Mambisa in support of alleged terrorist Luis Posada and some new outfit calling themselves The Bolivarian Youth had the blogosphere stirred, if not shaken, for a while. Posts and comment threads on Stuck on the Palmetto, Critical Miami, Miami Nights, 26th Parallel, and Mambi Watch, to name a few, had a lot of people snarling and playing with their shit in public. And as always, there was loud talk about the way “those Cubans” conduct themselves like the very totalitarian assholes they claim to be so pissed off about back in Cuba.

Great fun, but for my money, only the meta-issue is worth the ag: Was it wrong for the exile rightwingnut fascist group to physically attack the sloganeering moonbats on the left? Or were they performing a kind of unsolicited public sanitation service?

Then I encountered this article in today’s paper, which, while hardly breaking new ground (or wind) in the debate, phrases it nicely:

A federal judge dismissed a freedom-of-speech lawsuit by members of a conservative Christian group who were arrested while picketing a street festival for gay men and lesbians. “There is no constitutional right to drown out the speech of another person,” the judge, Lawrence F. Stengel of Federal District Court, wrote. Organizers of the 2004 festival initially tried to block the bullhorn-wielding, antigay protesters from entering the event. The police allowed them to enter, but they were surrounded by gay activists blowing whistles. Eleven demonstrators were arrested after they refused a directive to move to another spot. — NY Times

There is no constitutional right to drown out the speech of another person.” I suppose that includes clocking a protester with a megaphone, as is alleged by the Baloneyian Youth.

The matter has been referred to the police. Let’s keep an eye out for more amusement.

They’re Called “Woofers.” What else?

Filed under: Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:26 am

Woofers.jpg

A perfect Valentine Day’s gift for a dog lover, a music lover, or your own lover. Well, maybe “perfect” is too strong a word. From the NY Times.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Spanks for the Memories

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain,Sense & Sensuality — Steve @ 12:17 am

Spanking Paddle.jpgBecause everything problematic in California has been addressed, and solutions to all problems are now in process of implementation on the road to inevitable utopia, the legislature has taken up bill that would prohibit the practice of spanking.

No, not that kind of spanking. Get your mind out of the gutter. Elected officials wouldn’t want to see an end (pun) to that entertainment venue: any garden variety dominatrix can tell you that the corridors of power are jammed with spankophiles and other fetishists seeking recreational humiliation. They’d give up booze and free lunch first.

We’re talking about (gasp) The Children, of course, as in “What can we do to protect (gasp) The Children?” All sorts of imbecilic laws are seriously entertained with the idea of protecting (gasp) The Children, largely because (1) it creates the false impression that the prospective protector actually gives a shit, and also (2) insofar as they’re underage, (gasp) The Children can’t fight back. Or they bloody would.

From the NY Times:

A Democratic assemblywoman from Mountain View says she will submit a bill next week — once it is officially drafted — proposing that California become the first state in the nation to make spanking of children 3 years old and under a misdemeanor. Penalties could include child-rearing classes for offenders to one year in jail.

For the record, “child-rearing classes” are not instructional courses on spanking.

The bill has been met with expected derision from people who wonder why government is now reaching into children’s pants — wasn’t Mark Foley the old hand in that game? — and by the usual collection of do-gooding meddlers who think anything at all that might benefit (gasp) The Children is justified at any cost, including privacy, freedom, and parental discretion regarding raising their own fucking children. Sadly, this later group includes the California Governator.

In an interview with The San Jose Mercury News, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that as a child he “got smacked about everything. That was the way Austria worked.”…The governor said that when disciplining his four children, he and his wife, Maria Shriver, declined to spank. “I think any time we try to pass laws that say you’ve got to protect the kids, it’s, in general, always good,” he added.

Within hours, the Governator’s email was deluged by Californians begging Maria Shriver for a hearty spanking.

“California has garnered a reputation over the years of supporting these extreme legislative measures,” said Bill Maze, a Republican assemblyman from the Central Valley. “Disciplinary action is up to the parents. This is a wrongheaded measure, and there is zero support among the Republicans I have talked to.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Maze that the Republican governor had shown some support for the measure, citing his own upbringing, Mr. Maze countered, “The only thing I can say about him is that I guess he needed some discipline, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten where he is today.”

Reached for a reaction, Schwarzenegger offered only a big, dirty grin. And a vertical one to match.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Cold Duck

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:25 am

Takes me an extra day to track her down, but at last I find the trail of the missing duck last reported as recovering in the Killearn Animal Hospital near Tallahassee. Damn thing flew the coop — and got herself an agent.

Ducksmiling2.jpgIf you missed the story, the 1-pound brown female had been being shot in the wing and leg over the weekend, then left in a hunter’s refrigerator. But two days later, when the hunter’s wife opened the door, the bird raised its head and stared back at her. While the hunter’s wife freaked out, her daughter rushed the bird off to the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary, where it was immediately treated, and on the way to the recovery.

“Ducks are very passive, and have low metabolism,” said one medical staffer. “Damn things could go for quite while in there, especially if the door is opened now and then. Wouldn’t surprise me if she started sitting on the eggs in there to try to hatch ‘em.”

I finally get through to Tawney Manes, professional booking agent, and ask about her newest client.

“I specialize in representing animals for films, commercials, and photo shoots,” she tells me. “So when Cheney waddled in…..”

Wait. “Cheney?”

“Well, it was a hunting accident. We may change that. Anyway, it’s a great story, isn’t it? We figure we have a good shot — whoops, bad choice of words — good chance to match her up with a national branding campaign.”

Pollo Tropical? KFC? Cheese and Quackers?

“No, asshole, we’re not talking about eating her. Jesus Christ. We’re talking about making her a beloved household name, something warm and fuzzy and feel good.”

Have you talked to the Disney people?

“Screw the Disney people. That’s a dead end, and besides, they got Donald, Daisy, Ludwig von Drake, Huey, Dewey and Lewey…”

All ducked up, huh.

Duckman.GIF“Totally. We’re thinking maybe a cameo on Survivor — perfect huh? Have her hugged and fondled by some long-thighed babe for a cuppla episodes, raise her profile. Get America in love with her, maybe find a jewelry company to come out with duck rings or beak piercing, y’know?”

Whole new meaning to world wide web.

“Hey, not bad! Lemme make a note. ‘Web.’ Yeah. Wonder how webbed feet look in shoes or sandals. Or hair gel! Bring back the ducks’ ass hairdo! Or cologne, cosmetics. Do ducks have lips?”

Good luck, Tawney.

“Yeah, thanks, but this is easy, especially after our ‘For Goodness Snakes’ campaign went nowhere. You need a cuppla non-native pythons for anything, give me a call, hear?”

Monday, January 22, 2007

A Bite of Coffee

Filed under: Playing With Balls — Steve @ 12:30 am

I hold in my hand the world’s worst Sunday Hurled’s sport section, open to a column by Leonard Shapiro, who (I see here) has covered the NFL since 1972. He wants to know, “Whatever happened to civility in sports, and especially in the National Football League?” And

Whatever happened to a running back or wide receiver scoring a touchdown and handing the ball to a game official, acting, as they say, as if they had been in the end zone before?

Whatever happened to a defender sacking a quarterback, helping his fallen foe off the ground and moving back to the huddle without any Dancing with the Stars histrionics, the better to conserve energy to do it again on the next play?

Whatever happened to coaches wearing coats and ties on the sidelines, pregame player introductions without incendiary war dances and exploding fireworks, concepts such as respecting your opponent, honoring the game and acting like true professionals instead of out-of-control thugs?

Shucks, Leonard, I guess don’t know, but let me pose my own questions. Who gives a rat’s ass? Wouldn’t better questions be, What happened to the game where players were allowed to play, and the referees kept their flags in their BVDs where they belong? When defenders were ALLOWED to beat the crap out of a running back, quarterback, or receiver before helping him pick up his teeth and get to his feet?

bloody.jpg Rules curbing the game’s violence and injuries have completely pussified it. Quick whistles prevent pounding a quarterback’s torso into short ribs. Arcane penalties stop defensive linemen from bell-ringing, guillotining, or crackbacking their offensive counterparts. Safeties aren’t allowed to so much as exhale on wide receivers for fear of the dreaded pass interference call. Players go entire seasons without bruising or bleeding or breaking a single bone.

This ain’t football, it’s fucking badminton.

Tom Landry, legendary head coach of the Cowboys, always won the praise of oily toupeed network commentators for his coordinated natty apparel. He also ran cheap-shot, late-hit, low blow teams despised by every other squad in the league. I hated the bastard, but I miss the sneaky backstabbing violence he encouraged. It made the game not just competitive, but cathartic. To this day I spit with joy at Cowboys’ fans.

And what’s this with the indoor stadium? What happened to REAL winter football with blinding snow on cement-hard fields of solid ice; mud so thick you can’t see the players’ numbers; gray pea soup fog laying under the lights like meat farts in a crowded sauna? Now they’re playing on clean, spongy carpets in climate controlled living rooms. Pass the Gatorade, won’t you Chauncy, please?

Don’t you miss the sight of a quarterback writhing in pain after having his helmet buried a foot deep into the turf? The musical trill of a snapped femur? The glorious viscous red stain down a jersey from a torn eye socket or mashed nose?

So no, Leonard, I don’t care if Bill Belichick shows up for media events dressed like Charles Bukowski. You wanna whine about the state of the game and its players’ conduct, you’re the problem, not the solution. The real question isn’t sportsmanship, it’s gamesmanship. It’s corporate pollution; putting kid gloves on what should (and used to be) a bare knuckled sport.

Dude, Where’s My Football? Where’s My Football??

Friday, January 19, 2007

Missing Links

Filed under: What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:25 am
missinglink.jpg

Here’s a pair of apparently unrelated short news stories. But a closer investigation reveals suspicious links. Can you spot them?

New Orleans, LA A female chimpanzee at a sanctuary has given birth, despite the fact that the facility’s entire male chimp population has had vasectomies. Now managers at the sanctuary, Chimp Haven, are planning a paternity test for the seven males who lived in a group with the female, Teresa, a chimpanzee in her late 40s who had a baby girl last week. Once they identify the father, it is back to the operating room for him. — NY Times

Of course, your first thought is, FEMA strikes again! Michael “HeckuvajobBrownie” Brown’s crews, described (coincidentally) as “monkeys fucking footballs,” botched another easy assignment. Or perhaps….No. It’s unthinkable. Chimps have more discretion than that, don’t they?

Doctors’ unions in Romania have criticised a decision to make a surgeon pay £100,000 in damages after he lost his temper and hacked off a patient’s penis during surgery.

Surgeon Naum Ciomu, who had been suffering from stress at the time, had been operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital. — — metro.co.uk

Well, there goes his malpractice coverage.

So, Watson, what ties these apparently unrelated circumstances together? A mysteriously pregnant chimpanzee in storm-torn New Orleans, and a castrated victim of malpractice victimized by a maniac surgeon in broken-down Romania. A series of paternity tests for the chimps, a sliced-and-diced penis for the victim while the doctors’ union complains about the high fine. Add it up!

Actually, maybe we’ll let this slide until quitting time today before providing the explanation. Meanwhile, please post your best hypotheses in the comments section, and as always, do your worst.

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