“Klotz” As In “Blood”

Got a call out of the blue from an old buddy of mine trapped at home between a cold in his head and a snowdrift on his doorstep. If you think that’s a pain in the balls, he also has a prostate infection.

“I just got off the phone from speaking with the physician’s assistant,” he tells me ruefully. “She says, and I quote, ‘Mr. Carroll, you need to ejaculate more!’”

Damn. Was she offering to help?

“I didn’t ask. I was stunned. I asked her if she would put it in writing so I could show my wife.”

I can just imagine showing my wife a doctor’s note to convince her to bring me off.

“She’d probably tell me something nasty, like It’s out my hands or something.

Wait. Did she mean you need to ejaculate more frequently,or you need to ejaculate more fluid?

“Comes to the same thing (pardon the pun), but I’m pretty sure she meant more often. As in, on other occasions besides when Bloomingdale’s has store-wide sales, which is about the only thing that excites her any more.”

How hard (whoops) can this be? Have you tried plying her with alcohol?

“C’mon, get real. She’s Irish. She drinks me under the table. I’d do better with chloroform.”

Yikes. Does she realize this is your health we’re talking about? Physical and mental?
“Aaah, I think she just likes hearing me moan and curse when I’m pissing hot lava. Which reminds me. I gotta go.”

Poor bastard. Was it Bonnie Raitt who sang, “Show me a woman who won’t go down and I’ll show you a man who cheats?” He’s not the type, though, and besides, he’s snowed in. Maybe he needs a house call. Or a friendly dog.

Nice thought. Have a great weekend, everybody.

Dreamhost, which houses this website, has been a nightmare for a few days, making it very difficult visit this blog, let alone post on it. Bear with me and I’ll try to get today’s post up there before the spring thaw.

Meanwhile, thanks for your patience and comments.

That’s what Bellsouth or whoever they are these days is experiencing, so my post from last night hasn’t appeared yet.  I dusted off the draft below and updated it, so when the other one appears, well, frankly I don’t what will happen.  I rarely do.

When you check your hourglass, does it tell you you’re in the 21st century? If so, you’re not in Tallahassee. Or at the U.S. Department of Education.

Tallahassee — U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings, who is visiting states to tout the benefits of the federal No Child Left Behind Act, stayed as far away as she could from the unfolding controversy in Florida over whether the word ‘’evolution'’ should be included in the state’s science standards for schools…….Spellings said it isn’t her job to make policy decisions and said it was up to people such as new Florida Education Commissioner Eric Smith. When asked whether the nation’s top education official has a position on whether evolution should be a part of science standards, Spellings replied: “No, I don’t.'’ — Miami Hurled

Amazingly, the word “evolution” appears nowhere in current state science standards. Last modified in 1996, standards mention only ‘’biological change over time,'’ which describes rotting fruit as much as it does evolution. Evidently this is sufficiently accurate for the 49th ranked state.

Oscar Howard Jr., superintendent of the 3,300-student Taylor County Public Schools near Tallahassee, drove nine hours to speak against the new standards. His district’s five-member school board had unanimously voted to oppose them about a month ago. ‘’We do not believe that evolution is a fact,'’ he said. “It should be taught as a theory along with other theories.'’

West Palm Beach parent Laura Lopez, who wore a shirt saying ‘’Don’t Condone What God Condemns,‘’ called evolution a lie spread by Satan. ‘’People’s own belief doesn’t negate the reality that the earth was created by God,'’ she said. — Miami Hurled

Pretty strong stuff. Could it be true? I place a call to Satan. It’s not a toll call, either: like me, he uses AT&T. (No surprise there.)

“Yeah!” he laughs. “Evolution!” Took me thousands of years (your time) to cook that one up, but it was worth it! Best thing to bring down humanity since Eve handed whatzisname the apple!”

That would be Apple, as in iTunes, right? Devilish piece of shit.

“Not exactly, but yeah, that’s mine too. No, this is the little fable I cooked up to steal souls, corrupt kids, and subvert the education system. And it’s working, especially where people have money and brains.”

Guess that’s why there’s such resistance here in Florida and the rest of the deep south.

“Yeah, I got lots of work to do yet. Trouble is, in places like that there’s precious little indication of evolution at all — at least not among the humans. Heh heh.”

You won’t prevail, you fiend. Maybe we’re slow, maybe we’re stubborn, but the handwriting’s on the wall.

“Handwriting my fiery red ass. That’s an image of Jesus. Drew it myself — I’m a pretty fair artist. In fact, most of your artists are demons working for me. You didn’t notice? Ha! I gotta go: I have a meeting with the Army Corps of Engineers.” The connection dies (dies).

So there you have it, straight from the depths of hell. Evolution is the work of the devil himself. Thank god in Florida our leaders have the vision and backbone to resist it.

Back from the frozen City of Bodily Harm on Thursday 1/3, just in time for the icy weather here. Winter’s just wrong.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…….

Someone stole a baby Jesus doll Wednesday night from a Nativity scene in front of the Wellington Community Center in Palm Beach County.

But village leaders were wise: They knew about a similar theft from Bal Harbour earlier this month, so they equipped their figurine with a GPS tracking device.

The device led sheriff’s deputies to a nearby home, where they recovered the stolen item Thursday morning. — Miami Hurled

An 18 year old girl confessed to the deed. “I thought it would be good for my career, reputation, and social status,” she told police. “I mean, like who wouldn’t want to be close to a teenager who steals religious icons from community centers? Besides, my boyfriend likes the way I look in handcuffs.”

Never ignore a subpoena. You get one, you obey.
Unlike your teeth, if you ignore them, they WON’T go away.

Alright. I’ll leave the poetry to Miami Harold. Besides, I’m exaggerating. It’s not a subpoena, it’s an invitation. Nevertheless, it’s an offer I can’t refuse.

I have one sibling on earth, an older brother. At age 60, he’s getting married for the first time. On New Year’s Day. So Guido and I are heading to frozen Philadelphia — the City of Bodily Harm, where we were all born and some remain — to bear witness.

Why New Year’s Day? Why force people to curtail their New Year’s Eve celebration so they must function sufficiently next morning to clean up, dress up, abandon their afternoon of football, leave their warm houses, and drive all over creation to attend a ceremony? Why cause friends and loved ones to travel great distances on a crowded, hectic weekend?

These issues were explored in depth by numerous parties, whose conclusions, I suspect, are obvious even to casual observers. (My brother and I were at odds quite a bit for many, many years.)

Anyway, we’re heading out. My mother, who will be 90 in February, awaits with open arms, if disbelieving soul. Like most of the family, she was astonished when her younger son, Mr. Confirmed Bachelor, tied the knot at age 38. At 60, her other son’s vows are unfathomable. But as Aristotle noted, What is Actual is Possible.

The socks, undergarments, hats, gloves, overcoats, and assorted heavy fabrics are out of storage. Exorbitant plane tickets, rental car, staying-with-friends arrangements all set. Two bottles of tequila for warmth (backup: Jack Daniels). I want a cheesesteak out of this, or at least some scrapple, and ideally a pizza.

We’re out Sunday, back Wednesday.

Happy New Year!

“I don’t mind Baptists. I just wish they’d keep ‘em under water a little longer.” — Kinky Friedman, as Kinky Friedman.

Bal Harbour, FL - A baby Jesus statue is getting a Global Positioning System for Christmas. The statue, part of a nativity scene, will be equipped with the device after the previous statue went missing, even though it had been bolted down.

“I don’t anticipate this will ever happen again,” said Dina Cellini, who oversees the display, “but we may need to rely on technology to save our savior.”

The Mary and Joseph statues will also be fitted with GPS devices, she said. — SFS-S

“I say it as calmly as I can—the Church should have had the elementary decency to let the earth lie lightly on this troubled and miserable lady, and not to invoke her long anguish to recruit the credulous to a blind faith in which she herself had long ceased to believe.” — Christopher Hitchens, on Mother Teresa’s proposed beatification.

Hitchens, a columnist for Vanity Fair, is the author of “The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice” and most recently, “God Is Not Great.”