"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Other White Meat

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:30 pm

HONOLULU – Two former golf club employees have been charged with theft and cruelty to animals in the death of a pet dog the owners say was cooked and eaten. Witnesses told golf club officials they saw the workers load the dog into a car and drive away at the end of their shift on Dec. 16. Both were fired after the incident.

Manuma said police told him the two men butchered and ate his pet. – Hawaii Star-Bulletin

I guess that’s illegal. I see the theft part, alright: it wasn’t their dinner dog. But if they butchered it properly (kosher style), seems it’s not as cruel as all the incidents of (mostly dog meat.jpgFloridians) who routinely have sex with their dogs. (Search “dog fuckers” on this blog for links. I’m too lazy to find them all, and besides, you probably remember!)

The report did not include any details on preparation. Stereotyping lout that I am, I envision pineapple and pine nuts, a green apple in its snout. Do dogs have drumsticks?

Moving right along….

Akron, MI – Kristen DeGroat just wanted to sell her horse to another animal lover, but her ad ended up under “Good Things to Eat” in the classified sections of two newspapers. About a third of the 60 or so calls she received were from people interested in buying horse meat.

“It’s been enough to turn your stomach,” said DeGroat, who eventually sold her 3-year-old mare, Foxy, to a man who wanted a live horse for his grandchildren. – SFSS

Is there really a “Good Things To Eat” in the classifieds? If I encountered that, I’d assume it listed sex for sale. Or, as Jim Harrison (poet and gourmand cook) once exclaimed, “Battered women? You can do that? All my life I’ve been eating them raw!”

I hate horses. I don’t mean I hate horse meat – far as I know, I’ve never had it, although god only knows what the hell they shovel into scrapple, steak sandwiches, and other staples of my home town – I mean those overgrown beshitted fly magnets with the Seinfeld faces and carrion breath. Eating them needlessly glorifies their existence. I see a horse, I think airplane glue.

Speaking of poetry (and airplane glue):

Kristen deGroat
had a mare named Foxy
She sold her to a man
who rendered her Epoxy.

Besides, this was an innocent mistake. Horsey people may be appalled that so many equine-diners took the ad at (long) face value; I find it harder to accept that people want these critters as household pets. For children, no less. And let’s not start on having children.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Keystone Kapers

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:15 pm

Washington, PA — A woman in southwestern Pennsylvania locked her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes because he told his family he had been spiking their drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner, police said. Rhonda Lehman, 51, also called Washington County’s Mental Health/Mental Retardation office and said if someone wouldn’t come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard, police said. — Miami Hurled

Astonishingly, when authorities came out they actually arrested Grandmom, charging her with “child endangerment and making terroristic threats.”

“This is government overkill!” fumed Thaddeus Snark, Lehman’s attorney. “What kid around here hasn’t been stuffed in a cage full of shit at some time in his life? BEAVER~Beaver-Stadium-Pennsylvania-Posters.jpgThis is farm country! Maybe those county bigwigs forgot their own damn roots!”

Snark pointed out that the 10 year old had been lacing the family’s drinks with lamp oil and a cleaner named “Bam” for quite a while. “So even if she really did say those things about burying the little bastard alive, obviously she wasn’t thinking clearly. I mean, a little shot of household cleaner on a weekend isn’t too bad, but a steady diet has been known to lead to dementia — that’s why Huckabee’s running so strong in these parts.”

Caddy-corner in the keystone state, evidence of other mischief surfaced along the interstate:

SWIFTWATER, Pa. — A woman’s severed head was found Tuesday in a trash bag along an interstate highway, one of eight bags containing body parts discovered beside expressways in northeastern Pennsylvania, authorities said.The parts are believed to belong to the same victim, and it was unclear whether all the body parts have been found, investigators said.

The first bag was found Tuesday morning near the Mount Pocono exit of Interstate 380 by a worker salting the highway, investigators said. More remains were found later Tuesday along I-80. — Miami Hurled

“Until we find a third arm or leg, we’re goin’ with the theory that it’s just one victim,” affirmed state police spokesman Clem Nosstrille. “‘Course that might be different if this was anywhere near the nuclear power plants.”

Monday, January 14, 2008

Looking for the Man Who Shot His Paw

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 9:28 am

Cases like this speak directly to the mental stability of evangelicals, fundamentalists, and other Christian fanatics, and make me wonder why so many Americans find even radical Muslims so “foreign.”

Hayden, IO A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” amputated one of his hands, put it in a microwave and summoned authorities, Kootenai County sheriff’s deputies say.

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when deputies arrived at his home in this north Idaho town Saturday afternoon, and neither he nor the severed hand bore any noticeable tattoo or other mark, [reported] sheriff’s Capt. Ben Wolfinger.

The New Testament Book of Revelation contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying…”If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God’s fury.” — Seattle Times

Sure hope it wasn’t his shooting hand. Be a shame if a nice fellow like this found himself unable to operate a firearm, especially living out there in his own private Idaho. And what’s the deal with stashing the meat in the microwave? Aren’t you supposed to freeze freshly butchered parts if you’re not gonna eat them right away?

large-hand.jpgAs for “the wine of God’s fury,” that sounds like vintage Hannibal Lechter.

If I were even remotely religious, I’d find this (and the myriad of less radical but similar instances that go on daily) genuinely distressing. Even though I’m not riding the same camel, I’d be in the same caravan, and that reflects poorly. What surprises me, too, is that religious leaders never seem to condemn these activities the way these same folks demand “moderate Muslims” to “disassociate themselves” from the acts of terror perpetuated by radicals in their own religious camp.

Why doesn’t the Rev Gov Mike Huckabee, presidential candidate, condemn this fanatical self-mutilation, express sorrow for the deluded victim, and assure the world that his own brand of Christian evangelism doesn’t approve such practices? As a citizen, I distrust religious leaders with political power — the line that separates this armed clown (well, 1-armed clown, now) from Huckabee, Pat Robertson, Joe Lieberman, Jerry Falwell, etc., is ‘way too narrow. And they do quite little to impress me otherwise.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Squeezing the Charmin

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:35 am

The rabid hunger for change, it turns out, has made the very idea of experience as toxic as every other attribute of the Bush White House. The once-heralded notion of a C.E.O. presidency, overstocked with “tested” Washington and Fortune 500 executives like Cheney and Rumsfeld, is now in the toilet with Larry Craig. — Frank Rich, NY Times

Friday, December 21, 2007

Acknowledgments Greatly Accepted

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:01 pm

Dear Democrats: For those of you who for 7 years have been blaming Ralph Nader, the Green Party, and me personally for making possible Monkey Boy’s presidency, I offer this observation from David Broder:

And then to top it off came Sen. Joe Lieberman, Al Gore’s Democratic running mate for vice president in 2000, now newly minted as McCain’s endorser. And Al From, the head of the Democratic Leadership Council and longtime defender of all things Lieberman, said he was “very saddened” that his man would endorse a — gulp — Republican. That’s like Roy Rogers saying he was “saddened” to discover that Trigger was a mule. — sacbee.com

Jowels Lieberman is garbage, dumped by his own party, and pretty well reviled for excellent reasons you may discover for yourselves. Gore made me gag, but Lieberman just wouldn’t stay down. My only point in bringing this up is that if you’re gonna blame us for defeating Ozone Gore in 2000, you should thank us for keeping Lieberman off the White House furniture, too.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Racheting Down

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 6:56 am

Despite what it seems like, it’s still relatively early in election season. So there’s plenty of time for stupider remarks than Romney’s, although to date, I think he wins the prize:

Romney endorsed the interrogation practices employed against suspected terrorists, specifically singling out Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. U.S. officials have acknowledged that he has been the subject of harsh interrogationjackass.jpg techniques.

“When he was captured he said, ‘I’ll see you in New York with my lawyer.'” Romney said. “Can you imagine? I’m sure he was thinking an ACLU lawyer would be provided at government expense.” — Miami Hurled

“An ACLU lawyer provided at government expense.” There you have it, friends. Presidential material.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Potty Mouth Smokes Herb

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:27 am

Listen up, class. Today’s ponderable moment concerns foul language. Cursing a blue streak. Spewing venom. Swearing like a sailor with his balls in a square knot.

Question: If you do it in your own home — in your own bathroom, at your own bleeding toilet — is it wrong? illegal? Fattening?

Well, do you live in Scranton, PA?

Scranton, PA – Dawn Herb cursed like a longshoreman on the night her toilet backed up. Whether that constitutes a crime is now in the hands of a judge.

Herb, 33, was cited for disorderly conduct after her neighbor, an off-duty Scranton police officer, called authorities to complain about her potty mouth. Herb pleaded innocent and went on trial Monday. — philly.com

Ms. Herb doesn’t deny it. “There was human feces all over my floor,” she told reporters, who honest to god have nothing more important to do in Scranton besides report on toilet-curser_300.jpgsuch matters. Ever been to Scranton? You’ll want to wipe your feet on the way out. “Hip deep in shit and I should break into ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’?”

Poor Ms. Herb. Busted for exercising a healthy vocabulary.

In Pennsylvania, someone can be convicted of disorderly conduct for using obscene language or gestures in a way that causes “public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm.”

So if you’re walking down the streets of Scranton and some alcoholic Yugo staggers out a tavern to heave his stogie across the street and you yell at a passing pedestrian,
“Duck, fucknuckle!” you can get arrested.

What’s the world coming to? Now you need legal counsel on retainer in case you curse at your backfiring toilet because some off-duty cop might get his tender sensibilities offended and call his buddies to come arrest you?

The toilet –doubtlessly with standing to be the plaintiff in this case — expressed no opinion one way or another. “In my line of work I take a lot of shit,” it said. “You lawmaking critters can figure this one out on your own.”

Monday, December 3, 2007

Craig’s List

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 3:25 pm

Boise, IO (AP) — Eight men say they either had sex with Sen. Larry Craig or were targets of sexual advances by the Idaho lawmaker at various times during his political career, a newspaper reported.

One of the men is the former escort wCraigsfoot.jpghose allegations disgraced the Rev. Ted Haggard, former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, the Idaho Statesman reported Sunday. Two of the identified men and one of the unidentified men told the newspaper they had sex with Craig.

One of the men identified in the report, Mike Jones, 50, described as a former male escort, was the focus of the sex scandal involving Haggard, the disgraced leader of Colorado’s New Life Church. Jones said Craig paid him $200 for sex in late 2004 or early 2005. The encounter took place at a studio apartment in downtown Denver, Jones said. — Associated Press

Thus far, Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig has refused comment. Aides told reporters, “He’s unable to respond at this time. His mouth is full.”

The Bill for Hillary

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:34 am

This exchange from a community forum in Des Moines, IA over the weekend:

Richardson asked Clinton, given her husband’s tenure in the White House after being governor of Arkansas, whether it wasn’t logical to say governors make good presidents.

”Well, Bill, I also think they make good vice presidents,” said Clinton. — NY Times

Damning with faint praise, perhaps? Or has Her Thighness signaled a deal: drop out early, Governor, endorse me, and the VP slot on the ticket is yours?

Don’t blame me. I voted for Nader.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

When They Say It’s About the Money They Mean It’s About the Money

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 2:53 pm

Sadly, rumors connecting Trent Lott’s retirement announcement to a fling with a male escort have been scotched:

A San Antonio-based gay male escort categorically denied Monday that outgoing GOP Sen. Trent Lott had ever procured his services, putting to bed one of the more stunning rumors to emerge following Lott’s announcement earlier in the day that he was leaving Congress.

The charge was first published by the Washington DC blog Big Head DC, which claimed to have emails where the escort, Benjamin Nicholas, allegedly playing coy, declined to go on the record because “Trent is going through his fair share of scrutiny right now and I don’t want to add to it.”

But in an email message, Nicholas himself said the item was false. “There’s nothing to be said, as Lott and I have no connection whatsoever,” Nicholas wrote in an email to The Huffington Post. “How these ‘quotes’ have been fabricated are beyond me. The Senator is someone I have had no personal dealings with, ever.”

In a subsequent posting on his own Web site, Nicholas wrote, “I have not, nor have I ever seen or had contact with Senator Trent Lott. It’s as simple as that. It never happened.” — Huffington Post

“How come whenever a prominent Republican announces his retirement, everybody immediately thinks “gay sex scandal?” grumbled Senator Larry Craig, R-MT.

trent_lott.jpg“I blame the liberal media for this kind of mudslinging,” groused ex-Rep Mark Foley, R-FL.

Senator Lott seemed relatively unperturbed by the rumor. “I said I was leaving to make even more money,” he patiently explained to reporters. “I’m doing it for money. What, you never heard of doing it for money? In Washington, the only reason anybody does anything any time is for the money. M-O-N-E-Y. Which letter don’t you understand?”

I’m with Senator Lott. Why is the concept of prostitution so difficult to grasp? It’s the oldest profession there is, and the U.S. Congress is nothing if not professional.

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