"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Obituary: Reprise

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 8:51 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen: this blog was shut down two months ago. While your continued affection and attention is deeply appreciated, it is probably not worth your while to continue posting comments. There are any number of worthwhile general-interest south-Florida based blogs to peruse, including Critical Miami, South Florida Daily Blog, Obalesque, Miami and Beyond, Hidden City, Computer Colonics, Man or Maniac, and more. Some of these continue the spirit and material contained here.

I’d provide nore links, but I don’t want to clutter up those other blogs with incoming pingback messages.

Thank you for your attention, and Bon Voyage..

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Electile Dysfunction

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 9:33 am

….that’s when you can’t sufficiently excited about any candidate or issue to get off a vote. (Thanks, MRBart!).

Here in Hollywood’s District 1, newcomer Patti Asseff prevailed not only over the long-time incumbent Cathy Anderson, but also Luis Prado, whose big financial gripe consisted of the police motorcycle corps. That bozoic figure actually gathered found 207 votes, which he attributed to “favorable publicity on teh internets.” Glad to be of service, Luis.

In other news — from the print edition of the Miami Hurled; I couldn’t find the chart on-line which appeared below this article — Republican exit polls revealed that among white voters, McCain drew 33%, Mittney 34, Rudytoot 14, and Huckleberry 15. Among black voters, this statement appears: “There were not enough black voters in the Republican primary to estimate state results.” Think ‘Pubs should count heavily on swinging Black votes this fall?

Also in the print edition only (p 3A) — the story about Detroit’s latest scandal involving a the mayor perjuring himself regarding his (alleged) illicit sexual conduct (‘ho hum) appears under the sub-headline “Illinois.” Evidently the city changed states over night.

We’ll return to reality later today.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It’s Only Words

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 4:41 pm


Always happy to encounter stories like this one…..

Miami blog postings spark $25 million lawsuit

A Miami real estate agent lost his job Monday after postings on his blog sparked a $25 million defamation lawsuit by developer Tibor Hollo. — Miami Hurled

Evidently this litigation had nothing to do with his looks, either.


Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:46 am

Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

We have an ultramodern system for collecting garbage here in Davie By the Sea (a/k/a Hollywood). Twice a week a large truck with a sophisticated dumpster-lift system rumbles down the alley. The driver carefully positions the lift device in front of the city-issued dumpster, which yanks the unit into the air, turns it sideways so its contents spill out (mostly) into the truck, then drops it back on the ground. This is repeated at every dumpster down one side of the alley, after which the truck turns around and comes up the alley for the other side’s bins.

Except it works like shit. Every neighbor has a horror story or three about trash all over the alley, busted-up dumpsters that shatter when they drop, and best of all, smashed-up back fences and gates where the clod in the truck lines it up wrong so the lift device beats the crap out of the landscaping, fence, asphalt, power poles, and everything else imaginable.

This week they tossed my dumpster so off-line it ended UP in a cluster of areca palms, cracking the trees, smashing the fence, and leaving a wheel of the dumpster embedded in the gate. They also lost a load of what looks like broken up bathroom tile behind, right in front of my gate. I call the city, and they forward my concern to Zeke (not his real name).

garbage truck.gifWho’s Zeke, I ask.

“Zeke’s in charge of inspecting damage caused by garbage pick-ups,” I’m told.

That’s his, um, specialty?

“He’ll call you in a day or two. He runs about 2 days behind each call.”

Indeed Zeke calls 2 days later, and comes out to the house to inspect the damage. He agrees that the city needs to replace the fence, gate, and about a dozen dumpsters down the alley. I ask him if inspecting damage is a full-time job.

“Oh, yeah,” he says. “There’s somebody every day. Lotsa somebodies, actually.”

Anybody see anything wrong with this system? It must cost a fortune.

“Everything’s wrong,” he says. “In Hollywood the alleys are too small for the trucks, let alone the 8-foot arm off the lift. They gotta make two trips down each street, doubling fuel consumption. You still need 2 or 3 guys in each truck, so there’s no savings there, either. And nobody likes it except maybe the contractors who come out and work the fence repair.”

Whose idea was this? MicroSoft’s?

He sighs. “Some people say it’s mine,” he says, with a bitter laugh. “Gives me job security. Long as there’s fences and dumpsters getting crushed, I gotta keep runnin’ all over town snappin’ pictures.”

small_garbage_man.jpgHis cell phone rings, so he excuses himself and I hear him handling another resident’s complaint. Soon he’s off, after telling me to expect a crew early next week. Nice guy with an ugly job.

Back in the 19th century slum I grew up in, foul smelling men in filthy uniforms walked down back alleys behind noisy trucks once a week, physically lifting up metal garbage cans, dumping the contents into trucks, tossing the empty can back down, and moving onto the next thousand. It went fast, smooth, and no landscaping or property was injured. Garbage men made money than teachers, and the work was more pleasant.

Nothing like nostalgia for the good old days of garbage collection.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Rise to Vote, Sir

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:42 am

…which, spelled backwards, is “Rise to Vote, Sir.”vote-smart-button.jpg

I know this because I’m a founding member of member of MAD (“Mothers Against Dyslexia).”

Yes…anyway, Tuesday of this week we good citizens of Florida are supposed to do our duty and vote. Whatever. As a registered member of the Green Party, I don’t have the pleasure of voting against anybody this year, but if I could, I’d vote against Edwards and/or Romney, depending. Why don’t these two plastic panderers merge and run as one person on a third party ticket? Who would know the difference? Or give a rat’s ass?

Locally, I get to vote for the mayor and one commissioner in the Hollywood horse races. I live in District One, where four candidates are competing. The incumbent commish is Cathy Anderson, who has served for 35 straight years. Rumor is she’s borderline senile. Well, shit. I have seen her in action and heard her speak, and, in my judgment, No, she’s not borderline senile at all.

But here’s one of her competitors, Mr. Luis Prada, responding to a question in the Sun-Sentinel, about his priorities:

Q: Where in the city budget would you like to decrease and increase spending?

The budget could be immediately reduced by eliminating the use of motorcycles by the Police Department. They are not used at night or during rain or inclement weather. In addition, there is no more expensive insurance than that charged for our motorcycle fleet. — SFSS

Okay. There you are. A deep thinker, a true visionary in the spirit of Jefferson, Franklin, and Kinky Fucking Friedman. This is why Hollywood, Florida, is sometimes confused with ancient Athens, where democracy began.

Can I vote for Nader again? Please?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We’re #1!

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 10:28 am

One reason health care costs are so high is the astonishing level of fraud committed, especially here in south Florida. A story in today’s paper details nine individuals (headed for jail) whose fraudulent claims with Medicare totaled $56.6 million for unnecessary durable medical equipment and infusion therapy.

Medicare data shows that Miami-Dade County alone had more paid durable medical equipment claims than 44 states combined. Only the most populous states — California, Texas, New York, Michigan and Ohio — bill Medicare more than does Miami-Dade for DME claims.

The average Medicare recipient in Miami-Dade each year is named in paid DME claims worth $6,200. In the rest of the nation, the average is $1,200. — Miami Hurled

oprah-feminist.jpgThat’s impressive, isn’t it? What is it about the local market and population that inspires such breathtaking achievements? Maybe we should embrace whatever it is — consider it a reason for celebration and have a parade in its honor. I mean, if we can have Self-Esteem Day and Fat Loss Competitions, perhaps the community characteristic that encourages medical fraud should be lauded as well.

Somebody call Orka Winfrey. She’s usually very good at identifying these sorts of etheria, and lends her name to all kinds of similar causes.

Just an Irrelevant Postscript:

“And, having interviewed Calderón many times over the past 15 years, I have no doubt that his heart is with the Cuban dissidence.”Andres Oppenheimer in the Miami Hurled

I’m pretty sure he meant “dissidents.” Helluva word for the local paper to get wrong.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wee Paws for Baggage Identification

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:48 pm

This guy had a lot of explaining to do….

Seth and Kelly Levy, of Palm Beach Gardens, hold their 10-month-old cat, Gracie Mae. The cat sneaked into Seth’s suitcase for a flight to Dallas/Ftpussy.jpg. Worth and landed in Texas. At baggage claim, another passenger mistakenly grabbed the suitcase and when he returned home Gracie Mae jumped out…. Gracie Mae returned safely home Sunday night on an $80 plane ticket.

Yeah, I bet she did. The anonymous passenger who grabbed the wrong bag is probably still trying to explain the strange pussy he got caught smuggling in.

Monday, January 21, 2008

South Florida Style Welcoming Committee

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 10:17 am

It’s good news that Rick, former caretaker of Stuck on the Palmetto, has plans for a new blog, scheduled to launch on February 5. I learned about it late last night when I reviewed my email. So this morning, when I found its URL in Critical Miami (and again on Miami 411), I figured I’ll pay a visit.

But here’s the page that confronts me:

“This blog is open to invited readers only”


It doesn’t look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

You’re signed in as ssklotz@gmail.comSign in with a different account

Guess I shouldn’t take this personally, even though it has my name right on it. No doubt (as Alesh would say) I did something wrong when I clicked on the link: that shit happens all the time (and evidently exclusively to me. Nobody else in the universe has these problems. Ask Fake Fake Steve Jobs).

So Rick, I can’t add your new blog to my blogroll yet, but perhaps you’ll be kind enough to help those of us who find Blogger impossibly dense and aggravating navigate its shoals and impenetrable barriers. Even if that class of consumer consists of one.

The Wolfe At The Door

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:26 am

According to the Miami Hurled, folks in town are all a-twitter about Tom Wolfe’s new novel, set in Miami.

Back to Blood [as in Klotz], Wolfe’s new work, will explore race and crime, sex and class, plus immigration, a complex issue the author has been hankering to tackle since the 1980s when he pounded out The Bonfire of the Vanities, the electrifying saga that skewered New York’s pageant of Wall Street millionaires, street shysters and race warriors.

Except for I Am Charlotte Simmons, his last novel, my collection of TomWolfe books is complete, going back to The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine Flake Streamline Baby (1965). Wolfe has the kind of nasty, cold-eyed satirical bent I enjoy, which serves well his decidedly conservative perspective, and he delights in trashing trendy fact-hostile politically correct orthodoxies that liberal academics love to mouth, stifling genuine discourse.tomwolfe.jpg

He will portray Miami as a steaming pile of bullshit slathered with plantain peels and blood. He’ll jeer at the shallow, plastic upper class society bred here like dengue fever skeeters, and note how in REAL metropolises they’d be sniffed out and shunned for the hollow second raters that they are. He’ll delight at the triangulating racism of Latin, Black, and White societies, and the lack of compassion — a/k/a contempt — each has toward the other.

Yes, it should be a revealing book, and an honest treatment from a third party observer.

This hasn’t stopped Miami’s finest from embracing the attention they anticipate from a Tom Wolfe visit and novel. Read the coverage: everybody’s thrilled that Tom Wolfe has come, seen, and gone away with a Haitian boat-people sized raft of material. Either they never knew, or they’ve lost sight of the fact that much of what we accept as inevitable in Miami doesn’t measure up to what the rest of the nation considers acceptable or civilized.

Yeah, I know. The weather is wonderful.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Road Sage

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 1:00 pm

“[T]ake the high road. There’s less traffic.”Leonard Pitts, Miami Hurled.

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