"Klotz" As In "Blood"

A Testament to the Insidious Impact of Florida Sunshine on Brain Matter

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Obituary: Reprise

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 8:51 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen: this blog was shut down two months ago. While your continued affection and attention is deeply appreciated, it is probably not worth your while to continue posting comments. There are any number of worthwhile general-interest south-Florida based blogs to peruse, including Critical Miami, South Florida Daily Blog, Obalesque, Miami and Beyond, Hidden City, Computer Colonics, Man or Maniac, and more. Some of these continue the spirit and material contained here.

I’d provide nore links, but I don’t want to clutter up those other blogs with incoming pingback messages.

Thank you for your attention, and Bon Voyage..

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Hello I Must Be Going

Filed under: And They're Off — Steve @ 9:34 am

Appropriately ironic, isn’t it, that this blog’s getting knocked off-line for a few days prevented me from signing off?

Hello, I must be going,
I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same I must be going…

(Groucho, of course, in Animal crackers)

It might be a mere hiatus, but I doubt it. If I resurface as a blogger, it will be under an entirely different name. Something clever and cutting, like “Anonymous.” Wait– has that been taken? Damn.

The situation is straightforward and uncomplicated. I’m changing jobs, and the new position is one that is sufficiently public and sensitive that my language, tone, and approach in this blog might well be deemed “inappropriate.” Yes, the “I” word. No, I have not been told to shut down, I’m doing it voluntarily out of respect for the new employer and my commitment to do the best job I can for them.

Also, I simply won’t have the time during the day to do the kind of research, rewriting, and updating I do to keep this blog afloat. At my former position, there were opportunities during the day to peek in and surf around, even while working. That won’t happen with the new position.

Oooh, Mama, can this really be the end?

I imagine I’ll still pop up in other bloggers’ comments section from time to time, and maybe, if I’m asked to submit something snarky for another blog, I’ll do that. That’s how I started, on Critical Miami (thanks, Alesh). But the time has arrived for this regular blog to put down like a rabid old dog. (It will stay on-line for a while in case anybody wants to re-read something they liked and remember.)

I encourage those who have provided comments over the years to find their way to other local blogs – see blogroll — where they can pester and bluster at will. Even you, Neil. Not sure about Fred Upp. And Rufus Leeking M.D. needs to be incarcerated.

This has been fun, and I’ll miss it. Thanks for all your attention and support.

P.S. Feel free to comment here or email me at SSKlotz@gemail.com for any reason.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Wank Like A Man

Filed under: Etherea — Steve @ 12:26 am

Got a call out of the blue from an old buddy of mine trapped at home between a cold in his head and a snowdrift on his doorstep. If you think that’s a pain in the balls, he also has a prostate infection.

“I just got off the phone from speaking with the physician’s assistant,” he tells me ruefully. “She says, and I quote, ‘Mr. Carroll, you need to ejaculate more!’”

Damn. Was she offering to help?

hot lava.jpg“I didn’t ask. I was stunned. I asked her if she would put it in writing so I could show my wife.”

I can just imagine showing my wife a doctor’s note to convince her to bring me off.

“She’d probably tell me something nasty, like It’s out my hands or something.

Wait. Did she mean you need to ejaculate more frequently,or you need to ejaculate more fluid?

“Comes to the same thing (pardon the pun), but I’m pretty sure she meant more often. As in, on other occasions besides when Bloomingdale’s has store-wide sales, which is about the only thing that excites her any more.”

How hard (whoops) can this be? Have you tried plying her with alcohol?

“C’mon, get real. She’s Irish. She drinks me under the table. I’d do better with chloroform.”

Yikes. Does she realize this is your health we’re talking about? Physical and mental?
“Aaah, I think she just likes hearing me moan and curse when I’m pissing hot lava. Which reminds me. I gotta go.”

Poor bastard. Was it Bonnie Raitt who sang, “Show me a woman who won’t go down and I’ll show you a man who cheats?” He’s not the type, though, and besides, he’s snowed in. Maybe he needs a house call. Or a friendly dog.

Nice thought. Have a great weekend, everybody.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Other White Meat

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:30 pm

HONOLULU – Two former golf club employees have been charged with theft and cruelty to animals in the death of a pet dog the owners say was cooked and eaten. Witnesses told golf club officials they saw the workers load the dog into a car and drive away at the end of their shift on Dec. 16. Both were fired after the incident.

Manuma said police told him the two men butchered and ate his pet. – Hawaii Star-Bulletin

I guess that’s illegal. I see the theft part, alright: it wasn’t their dinner dog. But if they butchered it properly (kosher style), seems it’s not as cruel as all the incidents of (mostly dog meat.jpgFloridians) who routinely have sex with their dogs. (Search “dog fuckers” on this blog for links. I’m too lazy to find them all, and besides, you probably remember!)

The report did not include any details on preparation. Stereotyping lout that I am, I envision pineapple and pine nuts, a green apple in its snout. Do dogs have drumsticks?

Moving right along….

Akron, MI – Kristen DeGroat just wanted to sell her horse to another animal lover, but her ad ended up under “Good Things to Eat” in the classified sections of two newspapers. About a third of the 60 or so calls she received were from people interested in buying horse meat.

“It’s been enough to turn your stomach,” said DeGroat, who eventually sold her 3-year-old mare, Foxy, to a man who wanted a live horse for his grandchildren. – SFSS

Is there really a “Good Things To Eat” in the classifieds? If I encountered that, I’d assume it listed sex for sale. Or, as Jim Harrison (poet and gourmand cook) once exclaimed, “Battered women? You can do that? All my life I’ve been eating them raw!”

I hate horses. I don’t mean I hate horse meat – far as I know, I’ve never had it, although god only knows what the hell they shovel into scrapple, steak sandwiches, and other staples of my home town – I mean those overgrown beshitted fly magnets with the Seinfeld faces and carrion breath. Eating them needlessly glorifies their existence. I see a horse, I think airplane glue.

Speaking of poetry (and airplane glue):

Kristen deGroat
had a mare named Foxy
She sold her to a man
who rendered her Epoxy.

Besides, this was an innocent mistake. Horsey people may be appalled that so many equine-diners took the ad at (long) face value; I find it harder to accept that people want these critters as household pets. For children, no less. And let’s not start on having children.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Filed under: We Put the "Me" in "Media" — Steve @ 12:24 am

Here’s one you might have missed…..

The son of the most-wanted man in the world spoke Sunday to CNN in a quiet, middle-class suburb about an hour outside Cairo, Egypt.

Omar bin Laden, who works as a contractor, said he is talking publicly because he wants an end to the violence his father has inspired — violence that has killed innocent civilians in a spate of attacks around the world, including those of September 11, 2001.

“I try and say to my father: ‘Try to find another way to help or find your goal. This bomb, this weapons, it’s not good to use it for anybody,’ ” he said in English learned in recent months from his British wife. – CNN

No comment from dad yet. Don’t hold your breath.

In Washington, Pentagon spokesman General Dee Livery acknowledged the veracity of the report but dismissed its relevance. “Fathers don’t listen to their own sons in any culture,” she stated. “Any more than sons listen to their fathers. Look at George W and Whatzisname.”

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Keystone Kapers

Filed under: Across the Fruited Plain — Steve @ 12:15 pm

Washington, PA — A woman in southwestern Pennsylvania locked her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes because he told his family he had been spiking their drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner, police said. Rhonda Lehman, 51, also called Washington County’s Mental Health/Mental Retardation office and said if someone wouldn’t come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard, police said. — Miami Hurled

Astonishingly, when authorities came out they actually arrested Grandmom, charging her with “child endangerment and making terroristic threats.”

“This is government overkill!” fumed Thaddeus Snark, Lehman’s attorney. “What kid around here hasn’t been stuffed in a cage full of shit at some time in his life? BEAVER~Beaver-Stadium-Pennsylvania-Posters.jpgThis is farm country! Maybe those county bigwigs forgot their own damn roots!”

Snark pointed out that the 10 year old had been lacing the family’s drinks with lamp oil and a cleaner named “Bam” for quite a while. “So even if she really did say those things about burying the little bastard alive, obviously she wasn’t thinking clearly. I mean, a little shot of household cleaner on a weekend isn’t too bad, but a steady diet has been known to lead to dementia — that’s why Huckabee’s running so strong in these parts.”

Caddy-corner in the keystone state, evidence of other mischief surfaced along the interstate:

SWIFTWATER, Pa. — A woman’s severed head was found Tuesday in a trash bag along an interstate highway, one of eight bags containing body parts discovered beside expressways in northeastern Pennsylvania, authorities said.The parts are believed to belong to the same victim, and it was unclear whether all the body parts have been found, investigators said.

The first bag was found Tuesday morning near the Mount Pocono exit of Interstate 380 by a worker salting the highway, investigators said. More remains were found later Tuesday along I-80. — Miami Hurled

“Until we find a third arm or leg, we’re goin’ with the theory that it’s just one victim,” affirmed state police spokesman Clem Nosstrille. “‘Course that might be different if this was anywhere near the nuclear power plants.”

Electile Dysfunction

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 9:33 am

….that’s when you can’t sufficiently excited about any candidate or issue to get off a vote. (Thanks, MRBart!).

Here in Hollywood’s District 1, newcomer Patti Asseff prevailed not only over the long-time incumbent Cathy Anderson, but also Luis Prado, whose big financial gripe consisted of the police motorcycle corps. That bozoic figure actually gathered found 207 votes, which he attributed to “favorable publicity on teh internets.” Glad to be of service, Luis.

In other news — from the print edition of the Miami Hurled; I couldn’t find the chart on-line which appeared below this article — Republican exit polls revealed that among white voters, McCain drew 33%, Mittney 34, Rudytoot 14, and Huckleberry 15. Among black voters, this statement appears: “There were not enough black voters in the Republican primary to estimate state results.” Think ‘Pubs should count heavily on swinging Black votes this fall?

Also in the print edition only (p 3A) — the story about Detroit’s latest scandal involving a the mayor perjuring himself regarding his (alleged) illicit sexual conduct (‘ho hum) appears under the sub-headline “Illinois.” Evidently the city changed states over night.

We’ll return to reality later today.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It’s Only Words

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 4:41 pm

Tibor.jpg

Always happy to encounter stories like this one…..

Miami blog postings spark $25 million lawsuit

A Miami real estate agent lost his job Monday after postings on his blog sparked a $25 million defamation lawsuit by developer Tibor Hollo. — Miami Hurled

Evidently this litigation had nothing to do with his looks, either.

Garbagegate

Filed under: News from the Nation's Dicktip — Steve @ 12:46 am

Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

We have an ultramodern system for collecting garbage here in Davie By the Sea (a/k/a Hollywood). Twice a week a large truck with a sophisticated dumpster-lift system rumbles down the alley. The driver carefully positions the lift device in front of the city-issued dumpster, which yanks the unit into the air, turns it sideways so its contents spill out (mostly) into the truck, then drops it back on the ground. This is repeated at every dumpster down one side of the alley, after which the truck turns around and comes up the alley for the other side’s bins.

Except it works like shit. Every neighbor has a horror story or three about trash all over the alley, busted-up dumpsters that shatter when they drop, and best of all, smashed-up back fences and gates where the clod in the truck lines it up wrong so the lift device beats the crap out of the landscaping, fence, asphalt, power poles, and everything else imaginable.

This week they tossed my dumpster so off-line it ended UP in a cluster of areca palms, cracking the trees, smashing the fence, and leaving a wheel of the dumpster embedded in the gate. They also lost a load of what looks like broken up bathroom tile behind, right in front of my gate. I call the city, and they forward my concern to Zeke (not his real name).

garbage truck.gifWho’s Zeke, I ask.

“Zeke’s in charge of inspecting damage caused by garbage pick-ups,” I’m told.

That’s his, um, specialty?

“He’ll call you in a day or two. He runs about 2 days behind each call.”

Indeed Zeke calls 2 days later, and comes out to the house to inspect the damage. He agrees that the city needs to replace the fence, gate, and about a dozen dumpsters down the alley. I ask him if inspecting damage is a full-time job.

“Oh, yeah,” he says. “There’s somebody every day. Lotsa somebodies, actually.”

Anybody see anything wrong with this system? It must cost a fortune.

“Everything’s wrong,” he says. “In Hollywood the alleys are too small for the trucks, let alone the 8-foot arm off the lift. They gotta make two trips down each street, doubling fuel consumption. You still need 2 or 3 guys in each truck, so there’s no savings there, either. And nobody likes it except maybe the contractors who come out and work the fence repair.”

Whose idea was this? MicroSoft’s?

He sighs. “Some people say it’s mine,” he says, with a bitter laugh. “Gives me job security. Long as there’s fences and dumpsters getting crushed, I gotta keep runnin’ all over town snappin’ pictures.”

small_garbage_man.jpgHis cell phone rings, so he excuses himself and I hear him handling another resident’s complaint. Soon he’s off, after telling me to expect a crew early next week. Nice guy with an ugly job.

Back in the 19th century slum I grew up in, foul smelling men in filthy uniforms walked down back alleys behind noisy trucks once a week, physically lifting up metal garbage cans, dumping the contents into trucks, tossing the empty can back down, and moving onto the next thousand. It went fast, smooth, and no landscaping or property was injured. Garbage men made money than teachers, and the work was more pleasant.

Nothing like nostalgia for the good old days of garbage collection.

Monday, January 28, 2008

WWFD

Filed under: What A Wonderful World — Steve @ 12:09 pm

That stands for, “What Would Flashman Do?”

I couldn’t read this without cracking up. Hey: “Do Not Sit On A Thistle.” Ha!

Next Page »